Rambling

So I need some inspiration in my life. Any one willing to help me out? Any one?

I need an angel to watch over me and guide me where I need to go, where I need to be, and help show me how to get there!

I know I need some sort of guidance in my life right now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to get there. Hence, needing that guiding angel right now. I'm at a point in my life that I really shouldn't be at. I should be riding high on the rails...but I feel as if I'm under ground...travelling so fast I'm not sure I'll ever be able to slow down and stop. I fear that when I do stop, it will be such a sudden crash that I'll never recover. And that's a scary thought. Crash and burn...I never once imagined in all my life I'd feel that way. No, I'm not at a point of total desperation...but I'm at that point that I feel as if there is no way out of this dark tunnel I'm in...

I see a tiny pin prick of light somewhere ahead, but the closer I get the smaller it seems to get.

This is definitely not where I pictured my life to be at 31 years old! By now, I just knew I would be with the one I'm supposed to be with, having or starting a family of my own and working in the career that I was born for. But, that's not where I'm at and frankly, that kind of bothers me. Am I destined to be alone? Not have my own family? Not have someone to love and to love me back? To always bounce up and down in such a way that I feel the more it happens the further down I go and the less likely I am to make it back to the top?

I try to stay positive, to try to see that tiny pin prick of light ahead of me...but damn it's hard sometimes! Why does it always seem to be me? Why am I always the last one?

"Surround Me"

They say no man's an island but I tend to disagree
I guess they've never seen my island,
And where it lies at sea
I'm lost inside my memory.
I'm still in disbelief.
If I could paint a picture for you this is what you'd see

I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me...now

A wounded man sounds desperate when he's lost all his belief
Can you look into my eyes and say you won't betray me
We're running out of time
How precious time can be
I'm counting all the moments of the times you could have helped me

I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me

I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me

Surround me now

"Broken"

Why are we overcome with fear?
What if I told you that fear isn't real.
Why are we overcome with death?
What if I told you my friends your doubt
You could live without!

There is a question I want to understand
Why can't everyone tell the truth and learn to love again

Do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used
Scared and confused
Yes I know

One more question...I know time is dear
Is what the world speaks of love really real?
The answers not of this world but very clear
Look above to find love and you found eternal life

Street corner preachers you've heard before
Friendly advice just gets thrown out the door
There is a question that I want to understand
Why can't everyone tell the truth...and learn to love again

Do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used?
Scared and confused
Yes I know...what it feels like to be broken and used
Scared and confused
Yes I know

I'm Broken!

Dumpsville

So it's been almost 3 months since I've posted anything. Just been in one of those "slumps".

Today, I sit here and I'm down in the dumps. Why? I have no idea. I just know that I'm a little depressed...and stressed. Wondering when will my life pick back up and get back on track? Like it was? How did I let this train called my life derail? And boy, what a train wreck it is!

I'm experiencing new pains and aches almost on a daily basis. Annoying things too! Other aches and pains are getting a little more achy and painful. All I want to do is stay in the bed and sleep or lay on the couch and sleep. I can't seem to get motivated anymore.

And on the motivation note...trying to find another pharm tech position is really driving me down. No one is hiring. I have even tried other places and no one is hiring...at least no one that is willing to work with my physical limitations. Oh sure, I could go to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that...and believe me, it's not beneath me to do so...but they wouldn't understand my situation and work with my physical limitations. Why wouldn't they? Because they have an EXTREMELY high turn-over rate for employees. And I do mean it's high. Why hire someone who has physical limitations that wants to work and earn their check and stick around when they can hire the teeny-boppers who want a check but not do the work?!? Makes perfect sense to me...how about you?

Anyway, enough on that band wagon. What I need is some kind of motivation. I need happiness to join my life once again. I need a crane to lift this train wreck of a life and place it back on the track where it belongs...where it never should have derailed from!

If anyone reading this knows of a position that is open that will work with my physical limitations...please feel free to let me know.

Have You Ever?

Have You Ever

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

I was listening to this song today...just kind of in an old skool mood. It got me to thinking about that one that I feel this way about. Wondering, does he feel the same way? Does he think about me as I think about him? In all reality, he's all I think about. Why don't I do something about it, you ask? I ask myself that all the time. I think I'm scare to. I'm afraid he'll reject me. I'm afraid he won't feel the same way and I'll be let down, my bubble burst.

Just thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him (when I catch him at a good time)...makes my stomach flip flop...my heart race...a smile to caress my face! It's hard NOT to think about him.

But I just can not bring myself to tell him. I know I know...you should always tell a person how you feel, b/c you may never get the chance...but I'm too afraid. I don't want my heart to break any more. I know he wouldn't break it...but if he didn't feel the same way, my heart would be shattered into tiny little pieces and I'm not so sure that I could repair it this time. It's been repaired so many times in the past, and each time it breaks...the pieces get smaller and smaller, making it more difficult than the last time to repair it.

Mama's always told me to "chase him until he catches you". Well, that's what I've been doing...he just doesn't take the bait. I've tried since we first met to hook him...

Am I using the wrong bait? Am I dangling the hook too high for him to grab? Has the line snapped all together and I just haven't realized it?

Maybe I just need to give up on him...give up on love completely...and face it that I will probably be alone the rest of my life.

MJ

You know...yesterday was the memorial service for Michael Jackson at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. I wasn't going to watch it. Personally, I'm tired of all the hype over MJ, and nothing over Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon or Billy Mays. Yes, I like MJ's music...yes, all he wanted was peace and for the world to stop fighting and make this world a better place, not just for us, but for future generations...yes he was an instrumental figure in music, charity, life...but c'mon. There are others also that deserve just as much attention.

Well, I did end up watching the MJ service...on CNN.com Live on FaceBook. It was a truly beautiful ceremony. I cried a few times, yes. Who didn't? I chatted with friends back and forth about what was going on during the memorial. I honestly don't think there was anyone that wasn't watching it or checking in on it at some point during the 3 hours it lasted. My favorite part? Usher. He made such a moving tribute to MJ when he came down off the stage, walked over to MJ's casket, stared, then rested his hand on his casket. To me, it was like he was sending a part of him with MJ. That was awesome! Next? When his daughter Paris said something in the end. That truly touched my heart. She didn't call him Michael...she called him "daddy". You know I have always said that any man can be a father...but it takes a special person to be a "daddy" and in Paris, Prince and Blanket's eyes...he was their daddy. Even through all the scandals. But ya know something? There is NOT a celebrity on this earth that has not faced scandals! That's a part of the job of being a celebrity. Scandals...papparazzi...virtually non-existent private life. If you want to be in that business...then be prepared to deal with and handle that!

But, one thing I do have to be totally honest about. I did respect MJ alot for what he wanted and what he did and TRIED to do for this world. Instead of sitting on his ass just wishing and hoping that peace would happen...that hunger would end...that poverty would end...he went out and TRIED to make it happen. He didn't end the worlds perils...but he tried...he made the attempt.

I know this is many days late in coming...but I was just sitting here thinking. And this is what I was thinking about. I truly believe that alot of celebrities support charities ONLY to stay good with the general population. And to stay on the "A" lists and not be "black listed". MJ wasn't like that. He truly believe in his charities...he visited, he went to other countries...not just to perform in concerts and make money, but to see just what was going on and what could he do? How could he make it better? What can he say to get people motivated? **shrugs** But how many of us truly listened to what the words to his songs said? How many of us KNOW what "Heal The World" was about? Or "Man In The Mirror"? Or even "You Are Not Alone"? They say alot. Very few artists in the music industry today use their music as a cry out for help from all of us. Sure MJ had songs that were not in that category, but if you stop to think about it...at least 1-2 songs per album was a cry for help...for help not for him but for the people of this world that are suffering.

OK...I'm getting off this soapbox now. Just wanted to express some thoughts.

RE: Fakers

Well, I have had 24 hours to chill after that last post regarding the "fakers" in my life.

I have seen such a show of support from people that understand and do care enough about me to want to know "What's wrong?" or "Was it me?". I've learned in the past NOT to name names when I am venting my frustrations out through writing. And I still will not reveal names of anyone, but I know those persons know who they are...b/c if they are true human beings, they will feel it and KNOW they were the ones that created that explosion.

There truly are some special people in my life who want to help, who are there and who will do what they promise! Mama is one of those special people. She always has been and always will be! Holly, you have helped me alot...even though sometimes I have fallen through on my word, though not completely...I was just "late" getting to it! HaHa! Maggs, you're words of kindness and encouragement have helped to keep me from slipping downward. Vic, you also! Patrick and Carrie, who I have connected with in a kindred souls kind of way...and everyone else that has taken the time to respond and ask me "What the hell is going on?". THANKS!!!

It's still that time for a little re-arranging in my life. A little displacement of certain people and things. Things have got to change, and someone made me realize (Thanks Maggs!), that if they are going to change....I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING! And that's what I'm going to do! It may take some time...but it will happen...you just watch and see!

Ok, I feel better now, I'm happier and back to my normal self! Love you all!