An Addendum...

In yesterday's post I stated we had decided not to have a Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, Mama came home yesterday and sprung on me that she wants to get a small turkey and fix a small dinner for us. I agreed. I think it would be awesome.

We both kind of don't want to miss the turkey, dressing, gravy, etc...especially after watching a program on Food Network the other night called "Dear Food Network: Thanksgiving". It was about the top 10 questions searched on Food Network's website regarding Thanksgiving dinner. The more we watched, the more we both talked and wanted a Thanksgiving dinner.

So, we have decided to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner after all! We have planned our menu and know what we are fixing so that we can budget the grocery list! Yay us!

Just A Long Rant

So, next week is Thanksgiving...a time for family to come together. This year, Thanksgiving is going to be different for our family.

You see, our family is just me, mama and Paisley now. Since G-dad passed in June, we really don't feel that preparing the traditional Thanksgiving meal is necessary.

This year we have decided to for-go the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc.

Why? Well, we honestly see no reason to spend the money and time for just the 2 of us. It will definitely be a change, but it's a change mama and I have discussed at length.

One thing we actually haven't discussed is if we get invited to someone else's home for Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, to me, it would depend on WHO invites us as to whether I would want to go or not. Maybe I'll breach that bridge this evening with mama and see what her idea is on that.

As for Other things going on right now...

I am still depressed some over my financial, job and health issues. I still need help in all 3 areas, and am still feeling as if the tunnel is still too long and the light still moves away as I slowly make my way through the darkness.

Yes, I am getting some help for my mental health and depression. I am seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Zoloft (which I have been on before for anxiety) for the depression. I've been on that for a little over a week now and I see a little improvement. However, I'm a little concerned b/c I have had some nervousness and nervous energy since I began the Zoloft.

This is something I did NOT experience previously with this medication. I am giving it a chance to "settle" into my system, but in working in pharmacy, I do know that if a medications causes something like this it's usually something that only lasts a few days. Also, a week and a half if plenty of time for a new medication to "settle" into a person's system.

I have a 2 week follow-up next week to see how the med is working. I am going to continue the Zoloft until then. If the nervous activity continues until then, I will mention it then and see what will take place.

On the job front, no one is hiring. I have tried Rite-Aid, Kerr Drug, Walgreens, even some of the other independents and no one is hiring! I do not want to return to CVS, as they do not pay techs as they should be paid. I have not tried Wal*Mart, however, I really do not care for the RX Manager at the one closest to me (as we do not get along...we worked together at CVS before I left). I think I am going to contact Sam's Club or Costco pharmacies and see if they have any openings. I may also try the Wal*Mart on Wendover (though, those 3 are a bit of a far drive for me)

The financial situation ties into the job situation also. Something has got to give somewhere, sometime...and SOON I hope!

Things can only get better, right? They have to! I'm not sure how much longer mama, nor I, can take this! We are fast approaching that infamous "breaking point"!

So anyone that can help, I would appreciate it. If you know of a job opening, let me know, please. Even if it's not pharmacy...I am willing to try (so long as it works physically for me). If you have any advice, I'm listening! Anything would be greatly appreciated!

I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS DEARLY AND GREATLY!!

In 3's...

Ok...so these things happen in 3's...

First, we lost Jeff on the Wednesday night league to sudden death. Now, we get a wake up call this morning to find out another bowler and VERY dear friend to us committed suicide on Wednesday night.

So what's next? Bad stuff always happens in 3's...

This scares me to no end!!!

...............

So why is it that if someone asks me for help, I do all I can to help them? Yet, when I ask for help...I can't get it? What's up with that? How does that work? What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours"??

It's no wonder I can't seem to get back on track. I HAVE TRIED AND I CAN NOT SEEM TO GET BACK ON TRACK ON MY OWN!!! I need help people! Is there *ANYONE* that is willing to "scratch my back" and help me out here?

I just LOVE it when someone tells you they will be there for you, help you out if you need it, etc...and then...when you need it they back down on that. That's what is wrong with the world today. People only care about themselves anymore. If it doesn't benefit them, they don't care. It's all for one and none for all and that's just plain wrong!

Unless, you get the media in on it and have a super sad story, noone is willing to help out just the plain person that needs it!

I got news for ya people...there are OTHERS that need help that have fallen through the cracks or seem to appear invisible! People you may not realize that need help...and when they try to seek out that help...again, they are invisible or their pleas go unanswered. Then...it's usually too late. They are just too far gone to help them anymore.

I feel like I'm getting there. I'm at the end of the rope and there is barely one little thread keeping me from falling. I'm at the edge of the cliff and the edge is slipping out from under my feet rock by rock. The pin sized light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller and smaller and farther away. Every one step I take, the light moves about 5 more away. I don't know what to do anymore.

I need help. I *NEED* help. I NEED HELP! How many ways can I say it? How many times do I have to say it? What else can I do? Where else can I go? I have no more ideas what or how to do it.

Not Believed...

I hate the feeling of not being believed.

And that's how I feel right now. As if noone believes how I feel or what's going through my head or the kind of days that I have.

For example, I just got a call from the lawyer's office that I have been talking to about possible help with disability. From the lawyer herself. Basically, I was told on my first appointment with her paralegal that I have a winable case. Now, she's telling me I don't...

And she came to that conclusion based on the SSD doctor's notes from when I went to the visits with them per SSD. They didn't believe me. Basically said that they don't think there is anything wrong.

I firmly believe the reasoning for that is the days I did go see them, happened to be better days. Days when I was in less pain. Days when my mind was a little clearer. They didn't believe me.

Basically, the lawyer herself doesn't believe FM is real. Doesn't believe in FM at all. That's the impression I got. She also said something about my visit with Dr Mieden, the neurologist...he mentioned something about Lupus. Again, basically, the lawyer told me that if it was Lupus, then it would be "easier" to prove than FM.

I really don't know what to do or think at this point.

Yes, I know that some of the signs/symptoms for FM and Lupus are "interchangeable". And it could very well end up being Lupus and not FM...especially, since I have begun to notice a slight reddening on my face in a "butterfly" shape that is usually a tell-tale sign of Lupus.

I do know that I need to contact Dr Mieden's office, as the prescription for the Neurontin is nearly expired as it's been a year. But how can you do that when you don't have the money to go see them? Will they work with me in that aspect? Kind of hard to get the help you need when there is no money to pay those you need the help from! And how can I get help from Social Services when they won't help me b/c, and I'm not being racist here, I'm the wrong color? Or so it seems anyway.

As I'm typing this, I sit here and cry b/c it hurts! Why is it that when I need help, I can't get it? Is it b/c I have the morals and values to tell the truth and not lie just to get in? In good conscience, I can't lie about something just to make it sound worse than it really is! I have a hard time with something like that.

So what can I do?

Yoga/Meditation

Ok, I have decided that yoga/meditation could be a good step for me to attempt. All that I have read, all that I have learned of FM (fibromyalgia), yoga/meditation can help big time! Not only with the physical pain, but with the internal pain, the emotional roller coaster that I am constantly riding on. It will help me pull from within my inner peace. Help to stabilize the ups and downs, and keep me on a straight and wide path to where I need to be, where I should be! And with the help of a friend who practices yoga, I have found where I need to start. Now, to just actually start. That will be coming soon...I have to check it out, see what it's about, see if it will help, see if it's right for me. This, my friends, I plan to do within the coming week. If I find this works for me, I will post how I feel and what it's done for me. Maybe, I will convince some of you to try yoga/meditation with my improvements. I do look forward to trying this and helping myself heal both emotionally and physically! For now, these are my thoughts...anyone wishing to join me in partaking this adventure please do so!

Content and Safe...

So...this morning I was sleeping deeply...and I do mean DEEPLY!! As in, so deep in sleep and dream that I didn't hear the TV turn on for the wake up timer! I'm not sure exactly what I was dreaming that had me so deep in dreamland, but all I know is I woke up content and feeling safe...and happy...with a smile on my face, perplexed, but smiling none the less. I wish I knew what that dream was exactly. All I can see in my mind's eye is that I was with someone that made me feel that way and I could still feel his arms around me...and he looked familiar. That's it. And now I can't shake that. Oh, and I was wearing sweats and a raggedy t-shirt that I wear when cleaning house, but I wasn't at home...I had been at my Aunt's house and we walked down the street. Ya know, the more I type the more I'm remembering! Funny how that's working out! Anyway...he was wearing a light blue, long sleeved jean shirt..unbuttoned with a black t-shirt underneath with something on it...I think the American Flag with something else, blue jeans, black shoes (couldn't tell if they were tennie's or boots) and a hat. And he had medium-dark brown hair. We were at his parent's house, where my Aunt and I had walked to...he came out of the house (as we were outside talking with his parents), hugged me and well, never let go. But yet I felt content, love, happiness and safety in his arms. Wild. Wish I knew who that was that made me feel that way and that if he truly does exist, that he would let me know so that maybe I can continue to feel like this. I like this feeling. It's wonderful and just what I need right now in my life.