So, the bday bash was semi-successful, but that still doesn't keep me from having the blues about it. You know, it seems more and more that I'm not considered important enough in peoples lives to be thought of enough to celebrate special times in my life. Yeah, I know that I've become semi-antisocial lately, but noone understands what I'm going through except those that have been through it, know someone that has been through it, or sees me on enough of a regular basis to see the daily changes. Still, regardless, if people loved me enough, or thought enough about me, they would try to understand. It makes me sad to realize that I do all I can for people...but noone seems to do anything for me. It's like, I'm the leaning post for whoever, but when I need a leaning post, I don't have one. Noone has time. Why? I just don't get it. What ever happened to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? When did the truth of that and the meaning of that go away? I mean, I think it's only fair that if someone does something for you, you should somehow return that kindness. I'm personally tired of doing things for so called "friends" and then when I need help, I get shat on. I get the excuses of "I'm not sure if I can do that, such n such has to be done" or "I'll do this/that for you" and then it never happen. I'm tired of trying to get people and these so called "friends" to be there for me. I have completely decided that I will NOT be there for someone unless I know for a fact they will be there for me. I don't care who it is. Family, friends, whatever. I'm tired of the feelings I have when I can't get help or support. I was really hoping that I would have more people there for my b'day last night than I did. It really hurt!!!! I couldn't even get replies from 90% of the people that I invited to let me know if they were going to be there or not! You want to know what I'm becoming anti-social? B/c of just what I've been ranting about. Why should I be social to people who don't give a flip about me? Oh, they say they do. They say they care and they want to go do this or do that or whatever. But you know what? They don't. Noone cares about me. This blog is about the only outlet I have to get out my feelings, simply b/c NOONE HAS THE TIME FOR ME TO LEAN ON THEM!!!!! I guess I'll just end up one of those spinster cat ladies or something! I'm tired of attracting losers...whether it's so called "friends" or men! Can anyone explain to me why I'm the one that's just along to be there for everyone's support and not allowed to call on anyone else for support? I feel like I'm in medieval times when they called up court jesters. They were there for support, to make kings and royalty laugh. But did the court jester have someone like that to lean on? Hell no! They had to deal with it alone. I feel like the court jester here. I'm only here for others to call upon when they need help. And if I need help, I have to help myself...dig myself a deeper hole into depression...one that sometimes I feel as if I'll never climb out of. Noone knows my true feelings, b/c I won't disclose them. I don't do that b/c I feel as if I'm burdening someone else, or I feel that if I try, whoever I'm trying to get it out to isn't truly interested. God, I really hate my life right now. I hide behind a facade so that noone knows just how hurt and alone I truly am. I just sometimes want to totally cut myself off from the world and everyone I've ever known. Become a hermit in my own home. And if and when I do go out, I will not try to make new "friends". For fear of being hurt more. I can't take the hurt anymore. I'm sorry, this is the only way I can get my feelings out, and I have already burdened you readers enough.
