Have You Ever?

Have You Ever

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]

I was listening to this song today...just kind of in an old skool mood. It got me to thinking about that one that I feel this way about. Wondering, does he feel the same way? Does he think about me as I think about him? In all reality, he's all I think about. Why don't I do something about it, you ask? I ask myself that all the time. I think I'm scare to. I'm afraid he'll reject me. I'm afraid he won't feel the same way and I'll be let down, my bubble burst.

Just thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him (when I catch him at a good time)...makes my stomach flip flop...my heart race...a smile to caress my face! It's hard NOT to think about him.

But I just can not bring myself to tell him. I know I know...you should always tell a person how you feel, b/c you may never get the chance...but I'm too afraid. I don't want my heart to break any more. I know he wouldn't break it...but if he didn't feel the same way, my heart would be shattered into tiny little pieces and I'm not so sure that I could repair it this time. It's been repaired so many times in the past, and each time it breaks...the pieces get smaller and smaller, making it more difficult than the last time to repair it.

Mama's always told me to "chase him until he catches you". Well, that's what I've been doing...he just doesn't take the bait. I've tried since we first met to hook him...

Am I using the wrong bait? Am I dangling the hook too high for him to grab? Has the line snapped all together and I just haven't realized it?

Maybe I just need to give up on him...give up on love completely...and face it that I will probably be alone the rest of my life.

MJ

You know...yesterday was the memorial service for Michael Jackson at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. I wasn't going to watch it. Personally, I'm tired of all the hype over MJ, and nothing over Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon or Billy Mays. Yes, I like MJ's music...yes, all he wanted was peace and for the world to stop fighting and make this world a better place, not just for us, but for future generations...yes he was an instrumental figure in music, charity, life...but c'mon. There are others also that deserve just as much attention.

Well, I did end up watching the MJ service...on CNN.com Live on FaceBook. It was a truly beautiful ceremony. I cried a few times, yes. Who didn't? I chatted with friends back and forth about what was going on during the memorial. I honestly don't think there was anyone that wasn't watching it or checking in on it at some point during the 3 hours it lasted. My favorite part? Usher. He made such a moving tribute to MJ when he came down off the stage, walked over to MJ's casket, stared, then rested his hand on his casket. To me, it was like he was sending a part of him with MJ. That was awesome! Next? When his daughter Paris said something in the end. That truly touched my heart. She didn't call him Michael...she called him "daddy". You know I have always said that any man can be a father...but it takes a special person to be a "daddy" and in Paris, Prince and Blanket's eyes...he was their daddy. Even through all the scandals. But ya know something? There is NOT a celebrity on this earth that has not faced scandals! That's a part of the job of being a celebrity. Scandals...papparazzi...virtually non-existent private life. If you want to be in that business...then be prepared to deal with and handle that!

But, one thing I do have to be totally honest about. I did respect MJ alot for what he wanted and what he did and TRIED to do for this world. Instead of sitting on his ass just wishing and hoping that peace would happen...that hunger would end...that poverty would end...he went out and TRIED to make it happen. He didn't end the worlds perils...but he tried...he made the attempt.

I know this is many days late in coming...but I was just sitting here thinking. And this is what I was thinking about. I truly believe that alot of celebrities support charities ONLY to stay good with the general population. And to stay on the "A" lists and not be "black listed". MJ wasn't like that. He truly believe in his charities...he visited, he went to other countries...not just to perform in concerts and make money, but to see just what was going on and what could he do? How could he make it better? What can he say to get people motivated? **shrugs** But how many of us truly listened to what the words to his songs said? How many of us KNOW what "Heal The World" was about? Or "Man In The Mirror"? Or even "You Are Not Alone"? They say alot. Very few artists in the music industry today use their music as a cry out for help from all of us. Sure MJ had songs that were not in that category, but if you stop to think about it...at least 1-2 songs per album was a cry for help...for help not for him but for the people of this world that are suffering.

OK...I'm getting off this soapbox now. Just wanted to express some thoughts.

RE: Fakers

Well, I have had 24 hours to chill after that last post regarding the "fakers" in my life.

I have seen such a show of support from people that understand and do care enough about me to want to know "What's wrong?" or "Was it me?". I've learned in the past NOT to name names when I am venting my frustrations out through writing. And I still will not reveal names of anyone, but I know those persons know who they are...b/c if they are true human beings, they will feel it and KNOW they were the ones that created that explosion.

There truly are some special people in my life who want to help, who are there and who will do what they promise! Mama is one of those special people. She always has been and always will be! Holly, you have helped me alot...even though sometimes I have fallen through on my word, though not completely...I was just "late" getting to it! HaHa! Maggs, you're words of kindness and encouragement have helped to keep me from slipping downward. Vic, you also! Patrick and Carrie, who I have connected with in a kindred souls kind of way...and everyone else that has taken the time to respond and ask me "What the hell is going on?". THANKS!!!

It's still that time for a little re-arranging in my life. A little displacement of certain people and things. Things have got to change, and someone made me realize (Thanks Maggs!), that if they are going to change....I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING! And that's what I'm going to do! It may take some time...but it will happen...you just watch and see!

Ok, I feel better now, I'm happier and back to my normal self! Love you all!

Fakers

As I began saying on FB...

I am tired of "fake" people. People that claim to be your friend and that they will be there if you need to talk, or need a shoulder, or need to get away for a few hours. Ha! Yeah, right!

Why tell someone, especially in an hour of grief/need, that you are there for them and to call them if you need to talk, or to cry on their shoulder...if you are NOT going to be there for them? Or if you are going to IGNORE every attempt they make to get your help?? Why?!? What's the point?? That's like telling a lie about something...it's useless and pointless!

Whatever happened to REAL friends? Friends that last through the years? Why have people become so fake? Why the facades? Why so shallow? It used to be that you could stand by someone's word. If they gave their word...it stood...regardless. Now, good luck even GETTING a word!

And why is it that, I'm there to help people (willing to drop what I'm doing in a friends time of need), but when I ask for help...I get excuses. I get shot down and don't get the help? I'm sick of it! It hurts me too bad every time it happens and I'm tired of being hurt. I don't enjoy it.

You people think it's fun to hurt me don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought! All my life I have felt nothing but hurt from just about EVERYONE I know. And alot of it comes from the same people...every single time!

All my life I said, all my life. From the time I was little, even up until now. Ever wonder why I make fun of myself? Call myself fat? Call myself a whale? Make hurtful remarks about myself? Well, I'll tell you...BECAUSE IT HURTS ME LESS THAN WHEN YOU DO IT TO ME!! That's why. Ever stop to think that God made us all different for a reason? Some fat, some skinny, some attractive, some not attractive? Even different races and skin tones? Well it's called DIVERSITY people. If we all looked the same, dressed the same, acted the same..it would be a damn boring world, wouldn't it? Thought so!

I'm tired of the hurt and the frustrations in my life! Maybe I'm being a little petty here, but after a while, all the little hurtful things that you do to me, that you don't realize hurt me...they build up. And they keep building and keep building...and that does NOTHING but cause me to delve deeper into myself until eventually, I hit the point I'm at now. That I'm FED UP WITH IT ALL! And I let it loose. Thankfully, I have found blogging to take it out on and am less likely to take it out on someone that I truly care about who just happens to be talking to me at the wrong time when it explodes out of me like Mt St Helena!

Stop and think people...even the LITTLE things can be hurtful to people. Stop and think people...what might not hurt you might hurt someone else. If you truly care about someone, you will stick to your word. You will be there in their time of need.

I know I'm one of those people that is willing to be there for those I consider friends. And as of RIGHT NOW, if I help you out, if I'm there for you...and when I need you, I get excuses or you tell me you'll be there and then not...forget it, you are out of my life...for good.

I've been hurt way too much and dammit, it's time I take control of myself and NOT allow anyone to hurt me anymore! All I ask for out of life is loving family and friends...and respect. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so.

I'm tired tired tired. And it's gonna end...RIGHT NOW!