Appreciation?

Ya know, I used to think that when my friends or acquaintances would complain about feeling "unappreciated", they were just making it up. They were just trying to get some sympathy from others. Now, I realize that they were not. I used to feel that there's no way I would ever feel that way, b/c I grew up in a pretty appreciative family. Now, I'm not so sure. Since I've been home and not working, I feel like everything I do is going un-noticed or unappreciated. I try to bust my ass to keep this house neat, granted it's not super spotless, but it's clean none the less. Sure, there are things here and there, but for the most part I try to keep it neat. Well, it would be nice sometimes if I wasn't expected to do some things all the damn time. Every morning, I clean up the kitchen (g'dads breakfast mess included), even re-cleaning sometimes after lunch b/c g'dad makes another mess. Granted, I don't make dinner every night. It would be nice some evenings to NOT do the dishes (or to not be EXPECTED to do them, just b/c I don't mind doing it so much now that I'm home).

I've gotten to where I'm OCD about some things too, and it irks the ever livin hell out of me when something's not done right or used properly. The kitchen has become one of those places that I have everything in a certain place for a reason, and by jiminy, that's where it freakin belongs! If I make a spot for something, and tell you that's where it should be, then put it there! Yeah, some might say I'm getting anal about this stuff, but dammit, when you work hard enough on something, or work on it every damn day and people don't pay attention or do whatever they want, it's irritating!!

If I wanted to feel unappreciated for the hard work I do, then I would go back to work at one of my previous jobs! No wonder I get irritated easily these days! I'm already under enough stress as it is trying to find another job, b/c I wasn't welcome to come back to my last one. I'm struggling hugely with money issues b/c I'm not working. I'm beginning to wonder if my life will ever get straightened out. If I'll ever make it on my own. If I'll ever find that one to settle down with and start my own family. Or am I just destined to live the rest of my life with my mom as my room mate? Don't get me wrong, I love my mom...but I need to start my own family. Damn, I'll be 31 in 22 more days...what's so wrong with me that I haven't started my own family yet? Why are guys so scared of me? Why do they think of me more as a friend/pal than relationship material? Oh well, that's another blog for another day. Just had to get some feelings off my chest before I completely explode!

I Forgot!!

Oh, I forgot one thing that I was gonna say...

I was introduced to this online dating site OKCupid and thought I'd give it a try. So far, it's one of the better sites I've ever been on. And it's FREE!! Yeah, I said free...100% totally free! Don't have to pay to send a message to someone or browse or anything else like that. And they use the same algorithm's as do the other pay sites to match you. Anyway, while there, I was also introduced to HelloQuizzy,which is a neat little quiz/test site. They have close to like 5000+ quizzes/tests to take for enjoyment and entertainment. Quite fun! I also have gotten into creating tests also and have done 3 so far..working on a 4th. Simple little tests...Name That Tune types, using midi's for listening. A tad easier than the ones where they simply type out the lyrics to a song. At least you get to listen. Anyway, if you are interested, check em out. I don't think you actually have to be a member of HelloQuizzy to take them, unless you want to keep up on your progress. I'm including the links to my tests so you can take them if you like. Hope you enjoy!


Name That Tune - 80's Edition

Name That Tune - Movies Edition

Name That Tune - 90's Edition

I think they turned out pretty good. The 80's was my first one, so it may seem a little...less...refined than the other 2. Anyway, the 4th one that I'm working on is a TV Theme edition. As soon as I get it up and running, I'll post it here for you. As will I do with any others that I come up with!

Ok, enough posting for today. Hope you have a great day and a Happy New Year!!!

After Christmas...

Well, well, well...it's after Christmas. Even though it wasn't that big of a thing this year...it sure was just as hectic getting last minute things done. I'm talking shopping on Christmas eve to get a few last minute things. Woo-boy! Never will that happen again! Spent all day Christmas eve getting last minute things done around the house and finished up JUST IN TIME for the company to get here. I mean, just as they walked in, the last item was being taken care of. Talk about cutting it close! Anywho...

Remember a couple of posts ago I mentioned that I had an interview. Well, I got the email this weekend that the job had been filled. I'm slightly disappointed, but they may have had another applicant that was better qualified. So I can't really blame them for going with someone with more experience, than someone that would have to learn. Although, I was very willing to learn! Well, that's ok b/c I do have another interview coming up sometime in January. Don't know the date just yet, but hoping it's early in the month. If that one comes through, I will be working from home. No, it's not one of those crazy work at home deals you see on tv, this one is legit. Found it through a local news station that did a work at home segment. I'll be doing customer service (answering calls, taking orders, etc) for a client of this company. All from my own computer at home! That would be awesome, as I have kind of taken the position that I think I would prefer to work from home, instead of actually going somewhere to work! No co-workers to interrupt or bother me, no supervisor looking over my shoulder, no particular dress code (best part) and no commute (2nd best part). Of course, there are 2 pieces of equipment that I would need to get, but that's easy. And less than $100 to boot!

Mama and I plan to spend New Year's Eve up at our hangout, Szarkas. Who knows, maybe something good will happen that will signify the things to come in '09. Goodness knows, mama and I both need something good to happen for us right now. We're both stressed out, b/c I'm not working and unable to help with the bills. Nor do I have medical insurance and the one medication that I absolutely have to have is over $200 for a month supply. Mama suggested I try to get on a program that my great aunt was on before she passed to help out with my meds. I may look into it. I just know I need something! I have a physical coming up the end of January, however I'm going to have to cancel that and reschedule it when I have the money or insurance to go!

I'm still a bit bitter over what happened at my previous job. I still feel as if I was pushed out in an unfair manner. They may not see it that way, but I do. Mama told me the other day when she called in g-dad's meds that I didn't want her to go up there. I know why. We're thinking about transferring g-dad's meds elsewhere after the first of the year. Like to Wally-World or something. Anywhere but there. My only thing, is the one med that I take that's over $200...Im going to have to shop around and see just where I can get the best deal on that med. It's plum crazy!

Well, enough for now...I've probably bored you to tears already. I'm sure you have more important things to do than to read my rants and sob story! :o)~

I Guess It's Official...

Well, I do believe it's official now...I am no longer desired to return to PG Drug. This is evident based on the fact that when I went in this evening to pick up g-dad's medications...I was handed my national certification. Well, they just don't know what they are going to miss. It seems to me, that they are "weeding" out employees that were there prior to the buy-out by Midelu, Inc. So, I wonder who's next? And if that isn't the case, then are they weeding out the undesirables..ie the ones that aren't skinny, pretty or such? Regardless of their work ethic? Whatever it is, that's what it feels like to me. And those that are still there, that were there before the buy-out...should beware...it could happen to you also! I have refrained from being negative about what's happened to me. And I will still do so...however unfair I feel that it was in the way that I was "let go". Yeah, I feel like crying, screaming at the top of my lungs. It's not fair, to me nor anyone else that this will happen to. In as such, I will probably move my scrips, as well as g'dad's from there. As much as I love this community and my customers as well as supporting the local small businesses, I will not patronize a store in which I was a HUGE part of, that now has treated me so unfair. Makes one wonder just how much more unfairness will happen? Right now, there are 4 employees left that were there before the buy-out...and I wish them the best of luck and hopes that it doesn't happen to them. I feel cheated by the way that I was "pushed" out. And that's exactly what happened...my hours were cut back (with no input from myself, mind you) and I was basically "forced" into taking the medical leave (as well as told that if anyone asked me, it was MY decision to take the leave). Also, I was told that while I was out...noone would be hired on a full time basis. Let's see...at least 2 new people were hired that I'm aware of. Not sure if they are full time or not, but in any event, in that same breath, I was told that I could come back in January on a part time basis...and NOT guaranteed my full time position. According to a few people that I have talked to regarding short term medical leave...I AM guaranteed a position equal to or better than the position I had when I went out. Within a 90 day period. Well, I had every intention of returning to PG the first week in January, well before the 90 days would be up. There went that intention right out the window. I'm sure I will be missed...yeah right! Anyway, just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now! I think!

Doctors, Another Funeral, and Interviews...

Ok ok...so it's been the week before T-giving since I've posted anything! I know...too damn long, right? Well, here goes nothing...

I did go back to the doc for that follow up visit, in which she stated that my thyroid was very "out of whack", which that's no surprise to me. Yet, it was still too early to tell if the dose she put me on helped any. I have a physical coming up in January, and maybe we can tell a little more then. Oh, and speaking of that, I just got a letter in the mail the other day stating that my primary physician would no longer be practicing there...he is going into Hospice and Palliative care. That sucks, b/c we had finally found a doc that would actually listen to us and learned our ways and such and now we have to re-establish with another doc. I commend him for the career change, but it still sucks that he'll no longer be my doc. I'll miss "sunshine"...that's what I called him, as he called me "lil bear"; thanks largely in part to mama! As for the rheumatologist, I don't see her again for 6 months. And we'll see then how that goes and how things are improving or not improving.

Yes, it does say another funeral...a woman that our family has known for as long as I can remember passed away the week after T-giving. She was my maternal grandmother's best friend and considered an "aunt" to me. Though we knew it would only be a matter of time once Hospice was called in, it was still a bit hard to take. The visitation and the funeral itself was beautiful. She will be missed.

Do you recall in my last post I referred to possibly looking around for another job?? Well, I had found a posting in the newspaper for a position and applied. Last Friday, I got the call for an interview. So, this past Tues. Dec 9, I went for that interview. I think it went really well, but I'm not getting my hopes up too high so as to set myself up for disappointment if I don't land this one. They told me they would call me within a week or so to let me know, due to them having another interview or 2. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I do get it, b/c I think I would be a great fit for this company. It's an independent drug store, however, they don't deal directly with the public on a large basis. They do mostly Hospice medications and compounding. I'm excited at the possibility of going to work for this company. Possibly a little less stress since I wouldn't be dealing with the public on a large basis. We'll see.

I haven't mentioned anything to PG Drug yet, b/c I don't know if I have this job. If I get it, then I will let them know. But until then, I can't burn that bridge just in case.

I'm working on getting our Christmas cards mailed this weekend or first of next week so that hopefully they'll reach everyone before Christmas. If you want one, and know I don't have your address or what-not, send me a note here with your address and I'll send ya one! Some of you that read this (T) I don't have an address for.

Ok, I think this one is long enough...please, hang around though and listen to my christmas music. I love christmas music and have put together an awesome play list for your enjoyment!!

Just A Long Update

Well, there really isn't anything new to report at this time. I know it's been quite a while since I posted anything...just been too tired or too busy.

I can't recall if I posted that I have now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This from the rheumatologist. I go back on Tuesday (11/25/08) for a follow-up visit and results of the lab work she had done. I still am doing the exercises she told me to do, as well as the tylenol therapy she put me on. I feel some what better, although here lately, I seem to have less energy and a little more pain than usual. I think it's just b/c I've been doing so much and pushing myself a little too far...if it wasn't for babydog (Paisley), I would push myself even further. She senses when I'm doing too much and actually makes me stop by getting in my way or under my feet when I'm doing something. Otherwise, I think I would be so pushed to the max that I couldn't do anything at all. Somedays it's all I can do to get out of bed and do my daily "chores" and activities that I have developed while being out on disability.

Yes, I'm going to make some lucky guy a nice little wifey-poo. Every morning I get up and clean up the kitchen (including granddad's breakfast mess). Then, I do some laundry (if there is some to be done), vacuum, sweep the deck (leaves leaves and more leaves...hey anyone need some leaves for mulching?? I have plenty!!! And am willing to give them away...NO CHARGE!! HAHA), or run any errands that need to be done. Some days, I cook lunch for granddad (and my cuz...he loves my grilled cheesee sammiches!!) And everyday I watch GSN (Game Show Network) and try to win the awesome prizes they offer through out the day. The days my cuz comes over for lunch, we watch Jeopardy! at 12 and Wheel Of Fortune at 12:30 and try to out-do each other. We have a blast doing so. I know I'll miss that when I go back to work.

When am I going back to work? Well, my disability pay ends on December 20, though I can continue it for another 38 days (just have to get my doc to fill the paper work out again and send it in). That will take me into January. If I can make what little bit of money I have left from the disability last, I won't need to continue it. **Although, I am thinking about continuing it anyway** Originally, I said I was going back to work sometime after the first of the year. That all depends. I have been thinking about finding another job. I have been looking, just to see what's out there, but have yet to find a job somewhere that I could deal with. I don't want to go back to a chain store if I can help it. I really was not happy working at CVS when I was there...and I love the atmosphere of independent stores. Just seems that noone is really hiring at this time. But, if another job is what I need, then the opportunity will present itself at the right time, I'm sure.

I will try to post something on Tuesday or Wednesday about my doctor visit and the results. I can't promise anything, but I will try. If I don't...I do wish all of my readers a Happy Thanksgiving and lots of love and well wishes during the holiday.

Halloween, A Funeral and Bronchitis...

Well, let's see...Halloween day was an ok day. Got a call around 11 am-ish that my aunt's dad had passed away. We had been expecting it, he had an extremely aggressive cancer. Then, that night, mama and I dressed up and went to a party that we had been invited to up at the bar we go to, Szarka's. Had a blast...didn't win the costume contest though. I couldn't decide if I was good or evil...mama went as herself (lol).

Saturday, didn't do much of anything b/c I over did it the night before and my back wasn't in any shape to do anything. Then we had the visitation for my aunt's dad that evening.

Sunday went about the same, with the exception of the grave side service. I think standing out in the wind is what brought on the bronchitis. As of now, I barely have a voice, my throat is so sore I can't stand it and I can't stop coughing. Had the doc call in a zpak for me today. I feel crappy...

Ramblings

Well, not much new to report since last post. Just the same old stuff. Bowling's going ok...I think though I have (with Mama's help) figured out why my thumb is bothering me when I bowl. I'm not releasing correctly! So, I've begun to concentrate on releasing properly and I think it's helping...my thumb didn't hurt last night! Yay! Now...my back, that's another story. It's killing me! And alot lower than normal. It almost feels like my tail bone is broken...though I haven't fallen or done anything to it to break it! But that's what it feels like.

Other than that, I've been working on getting some photo's printed and framed. It's about time I get some of that done and get some decor in the house! HaHa! Oh, and we took Paisley to get her pics done and they finally came in! Got em scanned in so that I can post em. Right now, they are on Mama's computer, so as soon as I get em on mine I will post them on here. Yes, we even have one each of me and Paisley, Mama and Paisley and all 3 of us. She did so well that day. And, I'm also going to be taking additional pics of her myself in a semi-professional setting. Well, gonna try! Kinda hard to get her to cooperate by myself, but I'm working on it. She's doing well with the training we're working on. Sit and stay, and the come commands are proving a bit difficult, but I think she's getting it...kinda!!

Anyway, gonna go take a pain pill and go to bed...maybe my back will ease off some! Ta-ta for now~!

Just Boredom...

Ok, so I've been a bit slack this past week and haven't posted since Monday...sue me! ha ha Just been busy that's all. Plus, I really dont get online much anymore anyway. Yeah I know what you're thinking...I'm not working, more time to get online and post, play games, do whatever right? WRONG! I have a lot of laundry I've been working on trying to get done. Laundry we have brought from the old house where we've been going up there near bout every weekend trying to get it ready for sale. No, we're not bringing everything...and hopefully, we won't be bringing any more clothes. I think the last of what's to be brought is mama's china cabinet and it's contents and a few more pieces from upstairs, then I think that's it! Hopefully!

Anyway, I'm bored. I'm sleepy. And I'm trying to stay awake, though there isn't anything to do. Yeah I know, I said I had alot of laundry. That's what keeps me busy during the week. Weekends are for rest...well, not here lately. But still...we took it easy this weekend and didn't go up to the house. Just kinda chilled here at home. And it got boring! I don't want to be on the computer, yet, I don't want to watch tv, and believe it or not, I really don't want to sleep (even though I could probably take a nice little nappy-poo right now). But I wanna do SOMETHING! Don't really have to go anywhere, just anything other than sitting here doing nothing and being bored would be nice. These are the times when I wish I was dating someone and they were here and we could just sit and talk or play cards or something like that. This being single and all is getting to be for the birds!

Ok, so I'm gonna go take a nappy-poo...it's all there is to do around this house (I know! I know...besides laundry). So anyway, will blog again soon, I promise it won't be as long next time and maybe, I'll have something better to blog about than being bored! Something to keep ya'll updated on, or better amused/entertained!

Today...

Well, I saw the rheumatologist this morning. She did a few in office tests, asked questions, etc. The standard stuff.

She's saying Fibromyalgia. She wants me to start taking 500mg of tylenol twice daily, go back on my thyroid medicine at a very low dosage, and gave me some muscle stretching exercises to do during the day (starting with just 5 minutes daily). I have to go have bloodwork done this week. Then I go back to see her in a month. She's pretty straight forward... and to the point. So we'll see how this all helps in a month for sure.

Aside from that...I'm kinda relieved that's what it is and is not Lupus. She didn't say why she "ruled out" lupus. Maybe now I can begin to get my life back!!

The Latest...

So, we took Miss Paisley today to get her pictures taken...professionally! She did pretty good...thank goodness for photo shop! LOL Of course, we had to keep the leash on her as there were other doggies around and she was just slightly distracted! But it's all good. We narrowed it down to about 8 poses (2 free ones!) and decided what sizes to what poses etc. Yes, there is one of she and I, she and Mama and the 3 of us in those poses. And then of course, the other 5 are all Paisley-Poo! They should be online in about 2 days or so...and we'll have the actual pics in about 8-10 days. Can't wait! We have been discussing the pic thing for about a year now and finally did it. The company that did it is called Treasured Images and they go around to the Petco's and set up photo sessions. I saw an ad for it last time I took her for grooming and signed her little tail up! We were smart though...we took some b-a-c-o-n's to entice her to do what she was supposed to do...it worked!

On to other notes...I go tomorrow to see the rheumatologist...kinda nervous, though I know I shouldn't be. Anxious also to find out just what she can do for me...or find out. I'm thinking about going to bed early tonite...as tired as I am, that may just happen in about an hour or so from this post! Yeah, we all know that probably won't happen! The kitchen still needs to be cleaned up from dinner...and there is a load of clothes in the dryer that can't just sit there over night. That's an hour's work in itself doing all that! So, I think with that note, I'm gonna get my tail up from here and go do that so that I can just relax and chill for a bit longer until I go to bed!

Daily Life...

Well, as most of you know, I am out on short term medical leave right now, so I'm at home every day. No, that doesn't mean I'll be posting every day...but I will continue to post.

This one is just some random blurbs I just kinda need to get off my chest.

I love my grandfather, really I do...but he gets so on my nerves...I knew this would happen if I went out on medical leave. He drives me crazy with the silliest little things. You have to understand my grandfather...if he asks you to do something for him, or get something for him...even if he tells you that you can do it later whenever you can/want...he wants it RIGHT THEN! And if you don't do it or get it right away, he asks you every 5 minutes (or so it seems) if you have done it or gotten it. He'll ask about something he read in the paper or heard on tv and you can explain to him what it's about...or when something will happen or take place...and he'll stay on it for like, ever. Wanting to know every little bit or every day if it's happened yet. Take for instance...fruit cakes. Yeah, not alot of people are crazy about fruit cakes...but he loves em. Can't wait every year for them to go on the market. Well, we all know it'll be sometime in November before the good ones are out. He began asking us about them in August...3 months before they come out...and we told him it would be November. And he does this EVERY year, so it's not like he doesn't know...granted that he doesn't pay much attention anyway to what you tell him, but you would think that after 5 or 6 years of asking and us telling, that he would get the picture. Nope...hasn't happened yet. He asks almost on a weekly basis when they'll be for sale. That's only an itsy bitsy taste of what mama and I go through. Though now, it focuses on me b/c I'm here all day with him. So, I'm going a little crazy. Nothing new for me, right? ha ha ya'll are so funny!

Anyway...my daily routine now consists of waking up in the morning around 8 am (like I used to do anyway), getting myself woke up by watching the Fox 8 news in the am. Then once Mama leaves for work...I chill out for 30 min to an hour and then go clean up the kitchen and granddad's breakfast messs (being sure to leave the paper alone so my darling cousin can read it if he comes by...but tossing it if he's not here by 12ish or so)...doing laundry (no, it's not that piled up, doing the laundry we brought from the old house so it would be clean when we want to wear it!) and then any other little household tasks that need to be done...ie vacuuming if needed, spot cleaning the carpet where precious little Paisley has made messes that we though we had cleaned (or other little spots that happen to appear...like Mama's coffee), etc. Typical housework kinda stuff. All this in between washing, drying, folding laundry. Sitting down and resting when Paisley makes me b/c she knows when I'm over doing it. She's good at that and tells me that I need to rest before I think I do...but she senses it. Then, Mama calls on her way home to discuss dinner and we either decide to cook or not to cook. Then, whatever we decide on...the dishes get done afterwards and then I fully relax. Typical day. Unless I happen to have a day where I have over done it, like today...I vacuumed the hall and the living room...and with our vacuum it's very hard to roll. So, I kinda over did it...majorly...even though Paisley made me stop and rest every few minutes during.

So now, I'm blogging...well, I was...but now I'm done...so, fare thee well until next time we shall meet again!

Dog Days

So I took Paisley up to the dog day thing at the Town Hall today. They had a contest for best kisser (which any of you that have met her knows she's a kiss-a-holic!) There were about 6 other entries...everyone of the doggies got stage fright, yes even Paisley! One dog, this humongo bull dog named Conan was the only one that really didn't...he managed to give his owner a peck kiss. Of course, after the contest, all the dogs began kissin'! Go figure huh? Anyway, there was a 1st and 2nd place prize. Of course, b/c Conan was the only one that actually "kissed" during the contest...he got 1st place. Well, the judges deliberated and Paisley took 2nd! YIPPEE!!! She got a $10 gift card to one of her fave stores...Pet Supplies, Plus. YAYAYA! She would have gotten first I'm sure had she cooperated!

I think she was too worn out really! Considering the fact that the lil huzzy managed somehow to wriggle out of her collar and take off runnin around like a chicken with it's neck broke! That happened about 20 minutes before the contest was to take place. Took about 10 to get her back and with the help of a new friend that she made, that was possible. Oh, she would come to me when I called her...but b/c she had no collar on...I couldn't "hook" her. Thankfully, she stayed in the parking lot and around close...she was just runnin like a mad man. But, now she's worn slap out and napping. Good girl! Ha Ha! Everyone that was nearby was trying to corral her so we could get her leash back on. That wore me out too! We had walked up there, since the town hall is about a block and a half from the house. I had to call Mama to come pick us up...b/c I knew I probably wouldn't make it back...well, I would have, it just would have taken a long time!

So, Mama came and got us and we ran up to Bojangle's and got a biscuit and brought it back to the house. So, now I'm lunched up and ready to go...nap!!

Brains Or No Brains? (Part 2)

Ok, it's official...I HAVE A BRAIN!!!! HA HA!! Actually, I got the results from my MRI on Tuesday. It's NORMAL! It's CLEAR! The neuro said that it's very very uncommon for someone with MS to have a clear, normal MRI. So it pretty much is definitive that I do not have MS. Although, those of you that know me well enough know how bass-ackwards I am anyway, so to me, it's not 100% definitive...not yet anyway. However, he did say that he would bet a nickel to a buck it IS lupus...he noticed some "speckling" on my cheeks today that were not present upon my first appointment...suggesting the lupus. So, now I go see the rheumatologist for further testing and a direct diagnosis.

Yippee! I just got off the phone with the rheumatologist office...I called them to let them know that the neuro's office would be calling to set me up an appointment...and to explain to them the deal with my insurance since it expires the end of this month. Well, the guy I spoke with went ahead and scheduled me for the 20th of this month. So, I have my rheumatology appointment set up and can finally begin to get the answers I need.

The neuro highly suggests this particular rheum. dr...said that she's excellent and pretty much I could have a diagnosis BAM! So, I'm ready, I'm excited. Finally I will find out what is going on.

So, until then...I will probably post about this or that...since I'm not working right now, my posts may not be quite as exciting! LOL But I will try, I promise!!

Brains Or No Brains?

Well, today was the MRI. Everything went relatively well...they had a little trouble getting the contrast i.v. to cooperate though...well, partially my fault there. I guess cause it was so cold, my veins shrunk and wouldn't allow them to get the needle in. When they finally got it inn my right arm, the contrast thing busted. So, they tried my hand upon my suggestion (as when I had an i.v. back earlier this year they had to do that) and in two diff spots it didn't work. Well, they managed to get about half in the third time they stuck me. So, she switched hands and managed (using a smaller needle and lower infusion rate) to get the rest in using my left hand.

I have an appointment set for this coming Thursday at 915 am with the neurologist to get my results and find out the answer to the title question! ha ha

Anyway, will post when I do get results. For now, I'm just gonna rest, I'm worn out!

Yeah...

Well, today was my last "official" day at work. It was ok...I wasn't feeling all that great today, but I made it through.

But get this...I was asked to sign a paper regarding my leaving. On it was NOT what was discussed, but something different. It stated that I was resigning my position there...which is NOT what I told them I was doing. So, I crossed through that and hand wrote in that I was requesting medical leave. Then, the pharmacist that was there was to sign it also. He did, but asked me to also call the pharmacy manager and explain to him what I did. I did so, but got no answer. So, it's still sitting up there with the two signatures on it...b/c I did not say I was resigning and I was not going to sign that. So, we'll see how that's taken.

Anyway, my MRI is on Tuesday...kinda scared but kinda glad that it's about time. I'm so ready to find out just what the heck is going on. I will definately update when I know the results.

I'm keeping this one short b/c I'm just so tired and in pain, so I'm going to bed early tonite.

Good News & Semi-Bad News & Bad News...

Ok, kind of good news. I spoke with the woman that handles the insurance at the neuro's office. She said that the doc can sign off on part of the disability papers, but b/c he didn't actually "take" me out of work per se, they couldn't fill out the other part. That sucks. But not for long b/c I'm going to talk to my medical doctor in the am and see if he will sign off on it and actually "take" me out of work...even though it really isn't his choice, nor mine (if you recall, it's my EMPLOYERS choice, kind of "forcing" me out). I'm pretty sure he will. I had talked to him before about it, and he said he possibly could if the neuro wouldn't or couldn't. So, we'll see when I actually talk to him tomorrow. I had left him a message this afternoon and told him to call me at home before 4 pm and well, he did call...45 minutes after we had left to go bowling (which I wasn't able to, just went to cheer them on). So anyway, he left a message and said he would call me tomorrow...so we'll see how that goes. So that's the "semi-bad" news.

The bad news is my medical insurance will expire on Oct 31 at midnight. Oh, I can continue to keep it and pay the premium each month. Which, I wouldn't mind doing...IF I could afford almost $400 a month!!!!! If I could afford that, I would get private insurance...so, I have to try to get everything done this month...i.e. the MRI, the rheumatologist visit, the lab/blood work, etc. At least as much of it as possible. When I spoke the first time with the insurance woman at the neuro's office, I explained to her that my medical insurance would expire the end of the month and that I need to at least get the MRI done before that happened.

The good news is...after I spoke with the insurance woman at the neuro's office (which she was actually nice to me this time!) the first time, and explained my situation to her, she called me back within about 15 minutes and told me THE MRI WAS APPROVED!!!! So, it's scheduled for next Tuesday at 930am!! Thank you God, at least SOMETHING is going right for once!!! So, maybe if I get that done this soon, I can have the other visit with the neuro, get my results and see the rheumatologist maybe the following week...if all goes well. We'll have to see. I will definately post once I have the results, so don't worry...ya'll will know soon after I do! At least that's in my favor right now...until we get the results. So, for those of you that have done so before, continue to keep my in your prayers and thoughts and let's hope all goes well on Tuesday.

I'm scared, but working hard to keep a positive outlook on it. Thanks to all those who keep sending me encouraging thoughts and wishes. It helps me sooo much! More than ya'll will ever know!

Shirking Responsibility

Don't you just love it when people shirk their responsibilities at work? I know I do! Take for instance, you work at such a place that everyone is supposed to answer phones when they ring, and there is someone there that only works 1 or 2 days a week...and that person takes on the air that they don't have to answer phones or do this or do that. Well, I work with such a person...and today was NO exception!! So, imagine you are busting your tail doing your job and you are covered up in your own responsibilities within the company PLUS doing this other person's job for them b/c of that attitude they take on when they do work. Exciting work isn't it? Especially when you are having a hard enough time covering your work. Well, ya know what? This week, I honestly could care less (although it still pisses me off that while some people are busting their asses others just stand there, holding up counters or walls when phones are ringing like crazy and faxes are going off, etc). But, after this week, I won't have to deal with it for at least 3 months...or more if I change jobs. Anyway, just had to get this off my chest b/c even though I really do not care and will NOT go to my boss about it for the NTH time, it does piss me off. Just goes to show how much my boss really cares about how his employees feel about what goes on at work. Oh, and did I mention, this one person and I were the only ones at one point that were in the publics eye, except for the cashiers who were busy with many customers, and I was covered in filling rx's and they were just standing there, nothing to do, not offering to help and the phone ringing. Well, it rang 4 times before she finally answered it (b/c I ignored it and let it ring) and when they DID finally answer it, I heard a big huge sigh (as in "I guess I'll answer that since noone else is!) FUNNY! Downright knee slapping hilarious!!! I just loved it!! Poor baby, had to relinquish her spot of "holding up the counter" to answer the phone! That poor counter...although, I think it can pretty much stand on it's own without someone holding it up! Maybe that counter would feel abandoned if she didn't hold it up...or might fall down and get hurt! Boo Hoo!

HaHaHaHaHa!!!

Girl Language

Got this from a friend on myspace...thought it was cute also and wanted to post it here...it's actually kinda true if you stop and think about it!

If i dont call you [Its because im waiting for you to call me]

When i walk away from you mad [Follow me]

When i stare at your mouth [Kiss me]

When i push you or hit you [Grab me and dont let go]

When i start cussing at you [Kiss me and tell me you love me]

When im quiet [Ask me whats wrong]

When i ignore you [Give me your attention]

When i pull away [Pull me back]

When you see me at my worst [Tell me im beautiful]

When you see me start crying [Hold me and tell me everything will be alright] When you see me walking [Sneak up and hug my waist from behind]

When im scared [Protect me]

When i lay my head on your shoulder [Tilt my head up and kiss me]

When i grab at your hands [Hold mine and play with my fingers]

When i tease you [Tease me back and make me laugh]

When i dont answer for a long time [Reassure me that everything is okay]

When i look at you with doubt [Back yourself up]

When i say that i like you [I really do more than you could understand]

When i bump into you [Bump into me back and make me laugh]

When i tell you a secret [Keep it safe and untold]

When i look at you in your eyes [Dont look away until i do]

When i miss you [Im hurting inside]

When you break my heart [The pain never really goes away]

When i say its over [I still want you to be mine]

When i repost this bulletin [I want you to read it]

My Heart...

Ok, I said in my last post I would touch on the "issue" with my heart (no, nothing medical).

I'm kind of at a loss...

See, there is this guy that I'm interested in. And he has shown signs of interest in me. I have taken those signs and I have hinted and made it more clear from my end that I'm interested and would like to maybe see where a relationship might take us. But, here's the problem. Whenever I say something a little more direct, he clams up and stops talking. Well, mostly we text at this point, but when we are together (on the rare occassion that is), we can't be alone enough for me to actually talk to him about it...or he "ignores" me except for a few minutes when I first see him or through out the night. Anyway...

This past Friday, I did venture out (but only b/c I had some serious prodding from 2 friends, 1 of which is this guy). Anyway, one of the friends did'nt show up after trying all day to get me to go out. So, I go up to my haunt, a little bar called Szarka's, and met him up there. Of course, some of our mutual friends were there...well, I met them through him, but we all became friends. After all the "how are you's" and "where have you been's" we settled into the routine of the bar scene. If you've ever been a bar hopper you know what I mean...watching the rest of the pool tournaments or listening to the DJ do his thing or watching and listening to the karaoke singers try to belt out a tune...all while drinking, chatting and having a good time.

So, he's happy to see me when I do walk in...even though he ignored my texts just before I got there...and we do the usual and hug and all. But anyway, except for like 5 little minutes, he basically ignores me all night. He does occassionally take a peek my way (by the way, we're all sitting together). Well, I need to go back a bit, he did offer me his stool when I got there. So on to it further...it's late into the night and most everyone else has left the bar except for our little grouping and a few scatters up at the bar. He's standing at the end of the bar, getting one of like 2 last drinks before last call (yeah, it's that late ha ha) and I walk over to him and asked him why he was ignoring me all night. He claims he wasn't and I told him he did, except for like 5 little minutes when I first walked in and when he put his arm around me asking who he should bet on in a pool game (little rinky dink bet of $5 LOL). He denied it a second time and I told him again he did, then turned and walked off and headed for the girl's room.

Then...when it was closing time and we were "packing" up to leave, he had been up at the bar and then just walked out and didn't tell me bye! Of course, I don't think he told any of the others bye either, but still...he used to always make an attempt to tell me bye. I sent him a text on my way home about it, haven't heard anything from him all weekend. So, I'm talkin to Mama this morning about it (as she and I have discussed this numerous times) and decided that I would send him a text telling him I needed to talk to him and to let me know when we could get together.

I'm not sure what to do. I think he's afraid of me for some reason...which he has no reason to be!!

He's such a sweet heart too! Last week when I was having a bad week, he had texted me that day and I told him about it. The next night he texted me again and asked if I had a better day and hoped I was feeling better. He does little things like that. He's just a doll! He's a very caring person, with a super huge heart. Whether he wants to believe that or not, is a different story. He's also very special...though he thinks he isn't. Like the Brad Paisley song goes..."You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me; When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes; And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me". Something like that...he means alot to me and he's someone that I would like to get to know better than what I already know. I don't know if he reads this or not, but if he does...well I think he knows who he is and what I want to talk to him about. If he doesn't, well, I guess he'll find out if we do ever get to talk.

Still Between That Rock And Hard Place

Well, I am still there...but, I've been thinking about going back to school. Thinking about digital photography. There is only one thing really standing in my way of that though...yep, you guessed it...$$$$$$!!! I need to find some way to see if there are any grants available for me to go...any help or ideas would be great!

I take alot of nature type pics...and, as you can see, doggy pics! But I think that if I go back to school, I can also learn how to better take portraiture type picss of people, and maybe animals too! I dunno...maybe work for a photography firm, then once I get the understanding of how the business works, go out on my own.

Since, I was basically told that I might want to look for another job...maybe it's time for a career switch. Who knows...I surely don't. I kinda feel like I'm back at square one, as I did before I found a direction to go healthwise.

Oh yeah, about that...still waiting waiting waiting on insurance to pre-approve the MRI. Nothing yet. Go figure...it's insurance! Gotta love it sometimes. Also, still waiting on the neuro to fill out my disability papers. I called them yesterday and spoke with his asst. and told him that next week is my last week and that I need that paper, PRONTO! He assured me he would check on it and call me when it was done and fax it back...what ya wanna bet that they misplaced the paperwork? Typical for a drs office alot of times.

Anyway, I went out last night for the first time in, heck I don't even know how long. It was ok...I was talked into it by 2 people, one of whom didn't show up (AHEM, I won't mention names, KDR! LOL) and the other who ignored me all night except for like 5 minutes. And when I asked that person (who also shall remain nameless, JC!!) why he ignored me, he said he didn't!!!! So, anyway...how does one take that? That's ok...at least I had Debbie to talk to!

Oh, and I did meet a new person, who is a nurse and said she would help me in anyway if I needed it. She works at Baptist and told me that if I needed anything to call her and she would help me...she's supposed to email me some information that she just took a continuing education course on about FM to help me more get more understanding. (I still don't think it's Lupus!) She was super sweet and right now, I do need all the help and support I can get!! She's willing to do anything to help me out. She made me feel pretty good about myself again, something I haven't felt in a long long time! Kept telling me how beautiful I was and how sweet I was, even though she had just met me. She said she kept wondering why I was looking so sad. I just told her I had alot on my mind all at once regarding my health, job and my heart.

My heart is another story, and another post for another time, I posted enough right now. Maybe later today or tomorrow, or sometime I'll spill the beans about my heart and THAT situation. That's a very tricky thing right now. So, ta-ta for now and watch for more posts to come.

Oh, and thanks to those of you that read this and that respond with encouraging and uplifting words! And I think you know who you are (nameless again, JT..love ya girl!!)

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

So, what to do? Well, basically I have been told that while I am out on disability/short term medical leave that I should probably look for another job. That there is more than likely no guarantee that I will have a full time position available upon my return. That just isn't right, not after all I have done for that freakin company! It's not fair to me. At least, I don't think so!! My pharmacy manager wants me to come back, but he is only a 33 & 1/3 vote in the whole thing. He told me yesterday while we were discussing the "letter" I had to write requesting the disability/short term leave that one of the other "voting partners" didn't want to ensure that position be available upon my return in January. The other wouldn't be back in town until today and they had to talk with him also. So, what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't NOT work. I have to have something with benefits so that I can continue to go through all this medical testing I'll have to endure. I can't afford it and neither can Mama! So, I guess my only other options are to marry that rich man that will take care of me the rest of my life, or hit the lottery! Hell, who am I kidding...I have a better chance of hitting the lottery than getting married, much less marry a rich man! Can ya tell I'm just a teensy bit perturbed by the whole friggin ordeal? It's stressing me out, which is NOT good for me right now.

I just don't know what to do! My life has gone down hill and is continuing to pick up speed...with no end in sight. HELP! I don't know what happened. Everything was going so well for me, and then WHAMMO! I'm knocked into a barrell of sh*t!! And it's hightly doubtful that I'll come up smelling like roses. I never do! Everything that's ever been good in my life has always fallen apart. It's like I'm destined to not be happy for extended periods of time. It just plain SUCKS!

I'm kind of entertaining the idea of going back to school for something, just don't know what. The only other career that I ever entertained was a criminalist/csi. But that's an extremely physical career and I know that I couldn't handle that now. Ten years ago, yeah I could do it..now, not a chance! I'm kinda tossing the idea around of something with digital photography. But what? I know I would need to go back to some school for that...but the main question there is...could I get the grants (not loans) but grants to go to school? Mama suggested something like a receptionist in a doctors office or something like that...I just don't think I would be happy with something like that. It would be nice if I could find something similar where I didn't really have to deal with the public that could give me the benefits I need. Problem is, with all that's going on, I'm not sure just HOW much testing I'll be going through...or how much I might be out due to what I'm going through. I'm not even sure now how long I'll be out on disability. If they can't ensure me a FT position by January, then what? Maybe I just need to pursue going out on permanent disability. A thought I dread b/c that's the last thing I ever wanted to do!!!

This Is How We Do It!

Well, I managed to get in touch with the neurologists assistant and he had me fax the disability form over there. Also, spoke with the insurance person at the doc's office and am just waiting on the doctor to get her the clinical notes so she could call the insurance company. So, hopefully, she got those notes yesterday like she thought she would and she was able to call them. Maybe my insurance won't drag ass on this and they can get the MRI scheduled soon. And all this other testing can get underway quickly.

Once I have the MRI...then I can get on to the in depth testing to determine just exactly what is going on and find out what type of Lupus I have...if that's what it is. I still think FM...but that's just my opinion! And what would a "lay person" know about health care issues and diagnoses and such like that anyway? HaHa...alot more than they think! I, like my Mama, am a deep researcher. That's why I know so much about my symptoms and can tell the doctor just what is going on in such terms that a "lay person" shouldn't know!!! Anyway...

I was asked to submit a "letter" to my boss requesting I go out on short term medical leave/disability. Well, I can understand that's to cover his ass...but I made sure with that letter that MY ass is also covered. Like, that my benefits are continued while I am OUT on leave. He told me that he was fine with the letter, but that he had to basically get that "approved" by the big man, the one that owns the company. I'm hoping by Monday (Tuesday at the latest) I will know what the "big man" said and whether or not it's "approved".

I also checked with my insurance company if my benefits could be "terminated" while I was out..and according to them, the way my benefits are, I should be fine and my benefits should NOT be terminated. So, that tells me that if the "big man" decides to terminate my benefits while I'm out...that he went against the policy and well, I can take legal action against him for it. And believe me...I will!! I will SOMEHOW come up with the money to do so! So if that happens...don't be surprised if I begin asking for donations for the Brat Legal Fund! HaHa!!

Anyway, I think I'm getting a sinus infection...yuck! So, that's all for now...will update more later.

Doctor Speak...

Ok, my dr just called me back...wow! What a shocker, he called me that quickly! Well, it really shouldn't be much of a shocker b/c he is pretty quick about those things. We spoke briefly about everything, and he said that he may be able to fill out those papers if the neuro can't or won't. So, we'll see. I'm about to call the neuro now and see what they say about filling out those papers. Fingers crossed everyone!!

And Now...The News...

Well, as of my last post, I relayed that the neurologist thinks I have Lupus. Well, as of Friday (the day after that), I have been informed that my job is in jeopardy due to my health...although, they call it "poor performance" at work (I guess to cover their asses). Anyway, due to that...Mama and I talked extensively Friday night and over the weekend and we decided (even though I really do NOT wish to do this) that I should go out on disability. So, I called my AFLAC representative on Monday morning and he sent me the paperwork to get it started...which I received in the mail this a.m. Now, I just need the neurologist to fill out his part and get my employer to do their part.

In the mean time, until I go out on disability, I am still working full time...as I have requested of my employer, so as to have my benefits, which, if I am not mistaken, I will continue to have throughout this period. Right now, my plan is to go out from October 4 (possible last day) to January 5 (return). That's tentative however...I may find another job with another pharmacy during that time. Who knows...it seems they want me gone from there anyway. I have 2 possibilities open. Although, haven't pursued either one yet...gonna wait just a bit and see.

I'm being "pushed" at my current job to move the disability along and get started on it. So, I feel as if I'm being pushed out. My other option, other than disability, was to request to drop from full-time (where I have benefits) to part-time (where I'll have NO benefits). As we all know, with all the dr visits and testing I'm about to face...I NEED THOSE BENEFITS!!!!!! I can NOT stress that enough. So, I chose to take the disability option and continue to have my benefits so that I CAN proceed with all the testing and dr visits, etc.

I'm hoping the neurologist will comply and fill out the papers I need him to...if not, I will talk to my medical dr and see if I can sweet talk him into it. He's pretty good about stuff like that, and I think I could persuade him to help me out. Even though he didn't seem to believe me before. Which reminds me, I do need to call him and let him know what the neuro said. He is unaware that I went to see a neuro about all this. I'm sure he'll be a bit surprised, but he didn't believe me and I needed to get a second opinion and get going somewhere!

Ok, I just got off the phone with my dr (leaving a msg of course...NO surprise there! ha ha). Gave him my number so if he wants to call and talk to me about it, he can! At which point I will address the disability issue with him and ask of him that if the neuro can't or won't fill out the form, if he will. All hopes that he will say yes. But, I'm counting on the neuro to do that, since he is the one that is "pretty sure it's Lupus".

Direction...

Well, most of you, if not all of you, know that I had a neurology appointment today...to get started finding out what is going on with me. Well...I now have a definitive direction of where I'm headed...and what's ahead.

Dr. Mieden (the neurologist) started out the usual..."Tell me what's been going on, as chronologically as you can..blah blah blah." Anyway, I told him everything that I could think of, with of course, Mama adding in a few things that slipped my mind. Then, he began doing some "physical" tests on me. The pin prick test, strength tests, reflexes, etc. As we talked and he tested...he pretty much ruled out MS...which was a big sigh of relief. He continued on and said that he was pretty sure it's Lupus. That out of 13 classic signs, I was exhibiting 5 of those signs, which is just about half...and he was pretty sure that's what it is. He also basically told me there really isn't much that HE can do for me, and wants me to get an MRI of my brain to rule out any tumors, growths, funky things going on there, etc and then to see a rheumatologist. So, now we wait. Why the wait you ask? It's this little thing called "insurance"!! They have to contact my insurance carrier and get pre-approval for the MRI. Once that's done, they'll call me and we'll schedule the MRI. Then, once those results come back, I'll see Dr. Mieden again to discuss and go over that. Once we do that, they will contact Dr. Ziolkowska in Asheboro...that's the rheumatologist. At that point, that's when the big battery of tests will probably begin...to rule out other things like RA (rheumatoid arthritis), probably additional tests to rule out MS even further, etc. Not sure when all this will take place...so for now it's just the waiting game.

He also prescribed me some medication to help with the muscle pain and get me through. I got that script filled this afternoon and took the first one around 330pm or so and already I can actually feel the effects of it helping me to relax more...and I'm not hurting like I was before the visit.

Already I do feel better emotionally b/c at least now I have a sense of where I'm headed and have something to definitively KNOW. I'm going to hit the web once I finish this post and do a little research on Lupus. In all honesty, I never even considered Lupus, though I knew that it could possibly be a diagnosis. But it was way down in the list. Anyway, off to google now to check out Lupus and what my prognosis is and find other tips and tricks to help manage it aside from the medication. Will update and post more as I find out.

Such Is My Life...

Ok, it's Monday, just before I'm going to leave for work. As with all Monday's, the boss I have trouble with will be there. I'm going in with a good 'tude this am...let's see if he still has his ass on his shoulders as he did on Friday. I had an extremely bad weekend physically and stayed in bed all weekend, except for the hour or so when I went to the grocery store with Mama on Saturday. I'm very weak right now, but I'll push myself today like always. We'll see come lunch just how it goes!

Well, it's lunch and I guess he really hasn't been an ass...except for one teensy weensy thing..I specifically asked him to NOT have to do the order today b/c I was so weak and hurting and the first thing out of his mouth was "Yeah, you are doing it." So, does he flippin' care about his employees? HELL NO! Well, certain ones anyway. It makes me think that he treats me that way to try to make me leave. Unless I HAVE to medically, I won't give him the satisfaction if I can help it. Sometimes I wish there was something I could do to make HIS life there a living hell, like he seems to be trying to do to me!

I'm weak and hurting really badly today...I'm also very emotional...crying for no reason, just out of nowhere. I can't live like this! This is not a normal "me"! And I know it's part of the symptoms that go along with whatever it is I'm going through. It's all I can do to write out my feelings right now.

After lunch, it really wasn't any better. Not until 630 when it was time for me to leave for the day. Of course, his 2 favorites were there. And the other 2 coworkers that were there left at 6pm. Ha! Needless to say, that from 6-630...he and his 2 favorites pretty much stayed in the office, giggling and not working. Oh, I'm sure their thoughts were "Oh, Melissa's out there, she'll do it all!" Well, I got news for them...I will not be taken for granted nor will they take advantage of me either. So, I kept myself busy doing OTHER things, things that kept me from getting the phone or the register...like, disappearing into the back room WITHOUT telling them, and taking the trash out and making that task last for like 20 minutes...the last 20 minutes of my shift that is. I know that's vindictive, but dammit, I refuse to let them take me for granted or play around and be their fall guy. Nope, it will not happen...I won't let it! They want to pull that kind of b.s., fine, let em...but I won't be the fall guy and I won't pick up their slack either! If it gets busy, it gets busy and I'll do other things. I'll find something to do.

This weekend was really bad for me. The stress I had on Friday really took it's toll on me. Saturday I hurt so bad, but I went on anyway to the store with Mama and then came home and helped her with dinner. Then, back to bed I went. Fell asleep around 1030 or so, then woke up with a migraine headache around 1am. Took half a vicodin, paced for a little bit then managed to ease back into bed around 2, then the headache returned with a vengence around 3ish. Took another half vicodin, but wasn't able to go back to bed till 630-7ish. Slept for another 2 or 3 hours, then got up and took the babydog out. Mama was still asleep b/c she had a bad night Saturday also (she has a crick in her neck and that was keeping her awake). So neither she nor I were worth anything on Sunday. Then on Sunday, I stayed in bed all day...until Mama came and woke me up for dinner. I helped her get dinner on the table then partially cleared the dishes and then back to bed I went. Stayed there until I got up this morning. Hoping that all the rest would make me ok for today, but it didn't. My arms, shoulders, legs and back muscles ache so bad, I just want to cry. Not to mention the cramping. And of course, if that isn't bad enough, it's that time of the month...which I have noticed over time seems to make everything worse.

Well, tomorrow is Tuesday...and the ass boss has me doing the order AGAIN!! Thankfully, he has 2 people doing the order tomorrow. I'm really getting tired of his 'tude towards me and putting all the crappy stuff off on me. If it keeps up much longer, I will go once more to my other boss and tell him of my feelings. Maybe if I just keep going to him about it, something will get done? Nah...doubt it! Anyway...I'm going to end this post here...with thoughts of bowling tomorrow night. Hopefully I'll feel up to it and will be able to bowl my best!

Yesterday...

Now, keep in mind that the following post actually should have been done yesterday, but I was just too tired when I got home to do it. I wrote it down in a notebook with the intent of transferring it when I got home.

Well, yesterday was crazy...but better than the day before, even though we were a person short all day. There are 3 coworkers I seem to bring out the worst in, none of them were there...and the bad thing about those 3 is one is a boss. Wild? Crazy? Funny? What do you call that?

Let me explain a little about the "vibe" I get from this boss...he's the type that "favors" certain employees over others. Not so much based on the actual work they do, but physical appearances. Yeah, one of those people that think "I'm better than you b/c you don't fit a certain standard" types. The kind of people that I have strived my whole life to get them to see "Hey! There is more to me than my physical appearance." Just b/c I don't look a certain way or have their money or whatever doesn't mean I'm not worthy! I can work just as hard, I am just as smart (although I feel I'm smarter simply for the fact that I don't judge people like they do, but that's just my opinion). But this little rant isn't about me, it's about this boss. How can they expect an employee to be happy in their job when they have one boss that makes multiple employees feel this way? I know I'm not the only one that does feel that way...I know of 2 others, but doubt they would admit it to anyone else, like another boss (which I HAVE done!).

When I started this post, it was before work...as of this paragraph, I'm on lunch. Needless to say, the prior boss I was talking about has had his ass on his shoulders all freaking day! And I have been trying for a long time to be better about some things and keep MY 'tude in check, well that's hard to do when this boss has his ass on his shoulders (towards just me it seems!) For whatever reason, I feel as if he doesn't like me and pulls this crap which puts me in a bad way and then he flippin' has the BALLS to tell my other boss that I'M the one with the problem and I get yelled at for it!! I do love my job, really, but my toes are on the edge of finding another job elsewhere! I don't want to leave where I'm at, I've worked too hard to get here! But I'm almost to the point of telling them it's me or him (and I know without a doubt they would choose him over me!)

Of course, all this "negativity" is not good for me physically b/c it puts undue stress on my muscles, which makes me hurt worse...and of course, doesn't aid the 'tude! I woke up today hurting but was determined to have a good day anyway. Yesterday was the same way, but I did have a good day. Todaay...that's freakin' impossible! And it's NOT my fault! Dammit, why can't anyone believe me when I tell them ANYTHING?! I try to explain to my other boss when I'm getting yelled at that it's not entirely ME, but no, it's going in one ear and out the other! Just like with my doctor about my health!

I know one shouldn't say "never"...but I NEVER had this problem until this one boss came to work here! And noone else can see that. What's wrong with this picture? Every-freakin'-thing! I don't know what to do! I'm scared for my health, of a possibility of finding something worse than what I suspect. I just don't know how to deal anymore! I'm tired of spending my lunches crying or upset over this b.s. I'm tired (as I'm sure Mama and G-Daddy are) of going home at the end of the day and snapping at or taking it out on them. I honestly don't mean to put them through that, but it's happening more and more lately. I don't get paid enough to put up with that crap!! And my family damn sure doesn't deserve to be treated this way by me!!

Ok, lunch is just about over, so we'll see how the rest of this day goes. Maybe the ass will have his ass off his shoulders when I go back on shift...but I'm not holding my breath!!

Ok, now it's 7pm and I'm sitting here finishing up this post before I head home. The rest of the day was better b/c about an hour after getting back from lunch, the ass left for the day! Yeah baby! Needless to say things were better! So I'm gonna leave it there and end this post on a better note. Ta-Ta for now!

So once I got home, I talked with Mama about the days events and felt even better. Though today, I'm definately feeling the stress I was under yesterday in my muscles. I didn't want to get out of bed this am...but I forced myself to and go to the store with Mama. I didn't even feel like typing up this post...but I have to force myself to do these things. This is the kind of thing I go through on a daily basis. My arms and legs are just soooo weak right now it's all I can do to sit here. Well, that's all for now...more next time.

Ho-Hum Cont.

Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah...

Funny? I think so...but then again, I must have a weird sense of humor! Maybe I'm just paranoid since I'm going through this difficult time in my life where I don't know what's going on with me physically and feel as if I have no control over anything!

Anyway, just some thoughts I was having.

On a brighter note, I did manage to dig up alot of information on the Willard family history while on vacation. I'm writing it all down in a notebook until I can transfer it to a family tree. Even found gravesites of some family and took pics of the markers and such.

We also started bowling on the WTQR Kingpin league on Tuesday nights. That's gonna be fun...after all, that's what we enjoy, HAVING FUN!! And I think that league is going to be a BLAST! We had our last coach-it-up class tonight, then next Wednesday we have the Co-Ed league meeting...and alot of the same people that we bowled with over the summer will be there...like Fruit-Loop aka Cyril, Lynn, Rachel, and I'm not sure who else. That will be fun too!

I just hope that physically I'll be able to bowl 2 nights back to back...this will be the test. I go on the 11th to see a neurologist, whom I hope can see what my family doctor seems to be ignoring. I will post up-dates on that as I can. I'm kind of excited but scared at the same time. Excited that I may/will find out what's wrong with me, but scared of what it may be. My best friend said something to me that bothers me...said I have "the walk" of someone with MS (multiple sclerosis). THAT'S SCARY!! I would rather it be FM (fibromyalgia) than MS! MS seems worse than FM. My biggest fear of it all is that I could have to quit working! I can't do that! I need the $$ too bad and the benefits. I know I could probably get disability...but I'm too young for that! Besides, I do love my job! I would go crazy if I had to stop working! But, I've also heard that even being on disability, I could still work part-time. I could deal with that, I guess I would have to! I would rather work full-time though..without disability! Maybe I'm just being paranoid again or maybe it's all this fear. Is that fear natural? Or wrong?

Ho-Hum

Well, I'm back to work from vacation...and it seems as if nothing has changed attitude wise. Oh, and it appears also that a few people have broken their arms...or hands...or ears b/c they can't answer phones! Or maybe the phones themselves are broken...or maybe my hearing has just all of a sudden become dog-like and I'm the only one that can hear the ringing! No, their ears must be broken b/c my boss heard it ringing too, and would answer it, so did my cashiers...so I guess everyone else that was there today has broken ears/hands...and attitudes. I actually find it funny! Here I thought "I've been gone for a week...thinking it was MY presence before vacation that brought on the 'tudes"...and I guess I was right! Oh and apparently, though I openly admit if I mess up or make a mistake, I can't count and am the ONLY one that makes mistakes...and then DON'T own up to them. Let's see, didn't I just say I "openly admit" to my mistakes? Oh, I sure did! How funny! HA HA! I may make mistakes, especially on bad days ( who doesn't right?), like a simple miscalculation, but very RARELY do I make medication mistakes. Nor do I "cut" corners just to make things move faster! I DO check my NDC's, like my job entails I do and circle them..unlike some who just circle the NDC's and don't even look! But, the funniest thing...the same person that makes smart-ass comments pertaining to others is the one that makes the MOST mistakes! Now, if that isn't funny, well I just don't know what is!! Oh, and why is it that I can talk to my boss about how I feel about all this and nothing gets done, yet others can talk to him and there is immediate action taken? Ok, back to work lunch is over...I will finish this up later tonite!!!

Another Pic Of Emilee

Well, here is a better pic of Miss Emilee Cheyenne...she's soooo beautiful!!!!!


She looks just like her daddy! And mama and baby are both doing great and are at home now! Yayaya...will post more pics as her mama posts them on myspace!

If You Are Interested...

Just an FYI...in playing around with the settings of this blogger...I can send out updates to about 10 people for when I post a new blog. If you are interested...let me know and I will be happy to put you on that list. Right now, obviously, noone is on that list as I just found this tidbit of info out myself! HaHa!

Don't you just love it when people put an idea into your head, and you get ExCiTeD about it or want to do it, and then when it comes time to actually act on it...they have changed their mind or tell you they don't feel up to it now? Yeah, I do that myself, I know EvErYoNe is guilty of it...but it seems like here lately everything that I want to do, or get an idea put into my head about gets shot down. It kinda hurts. Especially when it's something you truly enjoy doing. Especially when it's something that's more fun to do with someone/friends/others. Or when there is something you want to do, but nOoNe wants to do it with you, and you really don't want to go or do it alone. Well, that's happened three times this week. Yep...three!! Although, one of those times I actually cOnViNcEd them to do it anyway. But it just seems like lately everything I wanna do, noone else wants to do it with me, and personally I'm kinda tired of having to experience the *F~U~N* of these things all alone. Some things are ok to do aLoNe, and are probably better done alone...but I'm not a loner kind of person. I <3LOVE<3 being with people...people I love being around. It's so much more *F~U~N* that way. Anyway...just getting some feelings off my chest. Afterall, that's part of what these blogs are for, right?

Blah Blah Blah

Well, nothing really to report, other than the below update. But I'm BORED and trying to find something to do. Tired of playing games, kinda wanna go somewhere, but kinda don't...ever get those feelings?? Guess I'll go find SOMETHING to do.

Update On Molly Gail

Well, I never got the chance to get up to the hospital to see either baby, but I did get a pic of Molly Gail from a coworker. She was 6lbs 12oz, born Monday Aug 25th around 830a. Here is a pic of her...she's cute as a button!


Don't have any other details, haven't had a chance to talk to Dawn yet, but I'm sure they are all just dandy! I think she looks like her daddy. But still, she looks like a lil doll!

Shhh! I still think Emilee Cheyenne is cuter!

As Promised...

Here is the scan of the bowling printout from Aug 20 when I played such an awesome game~!!

I had to cut it apart with my graphics program and make it just a tad bit smaller so it would fit properly on here...but I am sooooooooooo proud of that game! The others, well they sucked ha ha! Not showing those scores...but I will tell you...one game I did barely get over 100 and the other I didn't break 100 at all. That's all you get! You can see from the scan I had 7 strikes that game...boy I could do no wrong! Now if I can just remember what I did and continue to do that ALL the time, things would be alot better! :o)

Today...

Well, today would have been papa's 56th bday...and as if on cue it's rainy and depressing. Not exactly the biggest help in the world to get us through it, but, then again I can look at it like papa's crying b/c he can't be here to celebrate with us. Mama and I are going over to the cemetary today and spend some time with him, talk to him a little. It's still a hard thing to do, but with each others support, we breeze through it pretty strongly.


It also helps that after I will be a bit preoccupied, as I am working on some family history and need to find some graves of family that are in the same cemetary. So that will help to take my mind off it. It's still hard though after 2 years, and they say it gets easier with time, but for me, it seems like that doesn't really happen.

And another thing that will be helping to push me through...going to see a friends new baby! She was born Aug 25 at 720pm, at 8lbs and 14oz. Little Miss Emilee Cheyenne made her way into this world...almost a week late though! Mama (Keri) ended up having to have a c-section though after being induced sometime that day. So, in her first blog debut, meet Miss Emilee Cheyenne!!

Isn't she beautiful? One of our friends sent that to me last night via txt msg on my phone and I just HAD to send it to my regular email so I could put her on here. Thanks Jamie!

But, she isn't the only one! Well, she is for Keri...but a coworker of mine also had her baby on Aug 25, around 830am. No details on weight, length etc yet on her...will get that info this afternoon when I go see them also. I do know that she is Miss Molly Gail. As far as I know, both mama and baby are also doing ok...Dawn (mama) also had to have a c-section, but she was induced Saturday (Aug 23) around 945pm and apparently was in labor until they decided to do the c-section. Long labor for her, short for Keri. I'm excited about both though and will post a pic of Molly when I get one. So watch for that to appear sometime this evening or tomorrow.

Hopefully the rain part will hold out while we are at the cemetary, so I can take pics of the gravesites to put into the family history. Got alot of info for that, and hope to gain more as time goes by. Well, that's it for now, maybe more this evening or sometime this week!

Just A Rantin'

So, it was yet another bad day...emotionally anyway. I dunno here lately I've been super sensitive to everything and feel as if I could cry at the drop of a pin. Dont know why, or what's causing it. Guess it's just so pent up b/c I dont know what's going on with me and it's finally getting to me. But I just feel as if the whole world is out to get me. Almost like, everything or everyone would be better off if I just wasn't around. No, not thinking that...just maybe that I need some time away from everything and everyone and vice versa. Give it some space, see what happens when I return ya know? I dunno. Maybe once September gets here and I see the doc and we begin trying to figure things out, maybe it will all get better? And ya know what makes it worse? I'm now officially on vacation...hell of a way to start a week long vacation huh?

Anyway, last night (bowling night) I got my best game ever! A 180!! WOOHOO GO ME!!! Boy was I happy!! Oh yeah babe! I will scan in the printout of the game after I get back from the Kenny Chesney concert later this weekend. Yeah, now that's a start to a vacation also!! An awesome concert to kick it off. Then, gonna spend my vaca doing absolutely NOTHING! Or well, what I wanna do when I wanna do it. Well, me and Mama that is. Who knows what we'll do. Talked about a few lil day trips here and there maybe, who knows. Maybe I'll work some on the family tree thingy I just started, do some bowling practice, sleep the whole time...we'll see. So, if I don't post any this coming week, you'll know why! Well, I may come and post the bowling game printout if I get it scanned this weekend.

Stupid Chit

Ok, so I'm really getting tired of hearing snide smart ass comments from people who have NO FRIGGIN CLUE about the pain or discomfort I am in all the time. Not only the snide smart ass comments, but the looks of disbelief as if I'm faking or making it up to get out of doing something or whatever. Well, I got news for those folks...next snide smart ass comment or look like that I get...they will get an earful from me. I'm tired of it. Let them friggin go through it and see how they feel. It's stupid petty childish bullsh*t is what it is and I'm about on my last straw with it!! Most all of you that will read this pretty much know me and know I don't complain about pain or discomfort, even if it's constant.

For instance, today at work, my neck began cramping...pulling my head and shoulder together (so I looked like some kind of gargoyle). Anyway, three different coworkers asked why I was standing like I was and I told them what was going on and all three times I got the snide smart ass comments or looks of disbelief. I'm sooooo about ready to tell anyone and everyone where they can go...and yeah, it's wayyyyyy down south! Wayyyy past the south pole...into the deepest darkest reaches imaginable. No, I won't do that b/c if I do, then they will win and it will give them the satisfaction of getting one over on me and it'll be a cold damn day in hell before I give them the friggin satisfaction. Or maybe I will, just to get it off my damn chest. Hell, I don't know what to do about 'em. I can't keep my feelings bottled up inside, but yet if I let them out, I'll be giving into them. So...I guess I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I'll just continue to come home and cry b/c I hurt so badly and b/c it hurts that noone believes just how bad it truly is.

Bad Day

Ok, so today was a bad day for me. I just couldn't seem to do anything right. My mind wandered, I couldn't think straight, couldn't hold anything. Yeah, it was a baaaad day. Just felt like crying all day long. But then, I got home and was greeted by the sweetest little baby dog and she just makes all my worries seem to melt away! Let me tell ya...if you have a bad day, coming home to such a wonderful sweet babydog will make you forget your bad day. It's true, dogs are the best therapy in the world! Especially mine! I mean, c'mon how can you resist that face??




You can't right? Well, neither can I!! There's just something about that sweet innocent looking face that just makes you forget about the world around you and focus in on her. So, now, as I'm writing this, my "bad day" has disseminated into space somewhere...adios! I'm relaxing, only thinking about what I have to do tomorrow...the dreaded DMV trip to renew my tags. Then, with a smile, I'm thinking about bowling. Yeah! Tomorrow is league night...oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in my first post. I have been bowling now since the early part of the year. Been on two leagues, both practice leagues, but leagues none the less. Even have Mama into it. We have both decided to continue, and will be joining 2 fall leagues starting the first week in September. Yep, still practice leagues, but hey, we can use the practice! At least I know I can! HAHA! Anyway, that's about it for this post...who knows, maybe I can really get into this blog thing and keep it up on a daily basis...but for now...CIAO~!

Trying This Thing Out

Ok...so I'm gonna try this blogging thing. First timer here, so gimme a break, will ya? I promise though I will try to keep this as updated as possible!!

Let's see, where to start? After daddy passed in April of '06, I decided that Mama and I needed a little more companionship. Not that we don't love having G-dad around, we just needed that extra "bundle of love". So, enter Paisley! Our "babydog".




Here she is about 10 weeks old. This was on the car trip home. Isn't she a doll? We drove for 2 hours to get her!! She has truly been a blessing in our lives and a BIG, and I mean BIG help in getting us through the last 2 years! Even G-dad has taken to her!

What else is new? Oh...Mama and I also made the ultimate decision that she and I alone could not take care of G-dad (as he has gotten up in years), nor the trailer park alone. So, Mama bought a new house and we moved in the spring of '07. Well, we are still in the process of moving a year later. It'll get done eventually, just have a few BIG items left to get to the new house.

I have finally found my career in life...that's right no more restaurants! Yippee!! I am a Certified Pharmacy Technician at a small independent drug store in Pleasant Garden. Went through the chain store ordeal long enough to get all my training and my certification, then split that red tape bs scene!! I'm loving my career, and hey, I'm still in medicine, just a different part of the territory now. I enjoy it immensely and really can't see myself doing anything else! Well, maybe some photography or graphics work...just not skilled enough to go out on my own for that just yet. But, I'm working on it! I love taking photos, especially of "babydog" and nature (including bugs, which seems to be my niche here lately). I'll be uploading some pics to my photobucket sometime (which I just started).

Let's see, Mama's doing pretty good herself. Those of you that know her, know how pigheaded and stubborn she can be about anything. She says she's ok, but I know deep down she's not. She and I both are under alot of stress, but we just put on our big girl panties and go about our business.

However, as for me, it's taken a little more of a toll on me. Over the past 18 months or so, I've been going through some changes physically. No, I haven't lost any weight or gained it for that fact, but I have developed a few things that I'm not quite sure what it is. In February, I was diagnosed with Raynaud's Syndrome. Raynaud's is a type of vasculitis that affects the hands and feet, and in rare cases the ears and nose. It's triggered by cold intolerance, with which the little veins in your hands/feet constrict so as to "warm" up where you are cold, but something keeps them from dilating, so therefore, it looks like I have the hands of death. It's kinda scary at first when you don't know what's going on!!



You can really see the difference in color there. That's what happens to my entire hand when I have an "attack" (as I call it). I've done quite a bit of research on Raynaud's and have learned alot. Since that diagnosis, I have noticed some other symptoms appearing. Raynaud's can be linked to other immunological diseases such as Fibromyalgia, Lupus, even MS. Well, in doing my research, I've found that alot of what I've been experiencing over the past 18 months sounds alot like Fibromyalgia. Fibro is a very hard disease to pin down and diagnose, and they say it takes 2-5 years for symptoms to appear and for a true diagnosis to occur. Well, it's been about 6 months since I began the "process" to determine if that is indeed what I'm going through. The more research I do, the more I feel that is what I have. Muscle cramps and pain that has been consistent for 3 mos. or more, heat/cold intolerance (which, I do have both), general overall fatigue and exhaustion, depression for no reason, not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings, etc. There are alot of "signs" that point to Fibro. Mama has seen the steady downhill slide I'm making physically and seems to agree. And when Mama says "you need to get that checked out", you better believe that something is very possibly wrong. She, nor I, are the type to just go to the doctor for any little thing at all...so, when I began to "deteriorate" physically, we both figured I better do something about it. So, I talked to my doc...in which that's where the Raynauds was found. He also did some Rheumatoid Arthritis blood tests on me to rule out RA or anything like that. All that was normal. So, with the progression of the muscle pain and cramps, the addition of bouts of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), neuropathy in my hands, etc...I spoke to my doc about possible Fibro. He doesn't want to listen to me. Thinks it's vitamin deficiency. So, for a few months, I did what he suggested and started taking a high potency B complex vitamin and some magnesium. Neither has helped ANY of it. He still won't listen, still claiming the muscle pain and cramps are vitamin related and says the "neuropathy" in my hands is CTS (Carpal Tunnel Syndrome). I know my body and I know it's not vitamin or CTS related!! So, I took it upon myself to make an appointment with a neurologist whose special interest is in Fibromyalgia, as well as a few other "problems" that have developed in the last year and a half. I go September 11 for my first appointment with Dr. Mieden (that's the earliest I could get in). Hopefully, we'll find out just what IS going on with me.

Ok, I think I've gone on long enough for my first entry. I'm sorry, I just get to typing and can't seem to stop! I just need to get all this emotion and feeling out and I guess writing it out like this is what works for me. Hopefully, the next one won't be soooo long!! But I do promise to try to keep it up as often as I can post!!