Ok, so just about everyone around me is in the Christmas Spirit. I can't seem to get there 100%. I'm somewhat there, maybe about 45-50%...that's pretty bad when it's only 4 more days till Christmas. It's hard though to get into the spirit and keep it up when those closest to you don't want to participate or can't get into the spirit themselves. What can I do?
And then, there are those that seem to let you down. Those that have made promise after promise and then fall through each time. How long does one let this go on before they sever the ties? Why is it that I am such a forgiving person and tend to look past these slight indiscretions and continue to allow others to "beat up" on me? I feel as if my heart and emotions have been taken advantage of over this past year. By many people. People that I thought I could trust, people I thought cared about me, as I do about them. What is wrong with the world today that people are this way? Why has society deemed it "proper" to indulge people to turn into these cynical and lying individuals who care about noone but themselves? Why does everyone have to expect something in return? Whatever happened to the days of not so long ago when a persons true sincerity and caring were real? Why do people feel the need to "hide" this from others? Why put on the facade of being cold hearted or not caring...then deep down you truly do care? What's the point?
I look at it this way...
If you don't like me b/c of what I wear...don't look at my clothes, look at my personality!
If you don't like me b/c I don't fit a certain "standard"...don't look at my face or body, look at my inner beauty!!
If you don't like me b/c of what I say...don't listen to me, turn and walk away!
To quote a famous sailor..."I Yam What I Yam!". So, take it or leave it. I have so much inner beauty and personality that alot of people don't get to see b/c they go based on first appearances...BEFORE they hear what I say.
And to those of you who think looks are all that matters...THINK DEEPER! I'm not saying looks don't matter, b/c they do matter to a degree. I do want someone that's nice looking to wake up to in the mornings...who wouldn't. But you also have to take into account their personalities, their inner beauty! That's what really shines!
Ok, I'm getting off my soap box now. I've rambled enough and I'm sure you're tired of reading this by now.
So, I am wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
"Who Will Help The Widow's Son?"
This is a phrase used in FreeMasonry. It stems back to the story of Hiram Abiff...The Masonic call of distress. The man they admire, Hiram Abiff, supposedly a craftsman for King David, was a widow's son. Any time a Freemason hears this (possibly combined with an arm gesture) they are obliged to assist the Mason in trouble, if it is more likely that they would save him than that they would die.
Let me explain...
Hiram Abiff in Masonic Ritual
During the Legend of the Third Degree, the candidate portrays Hiram Abiff in the ritual. He is blindfolded and led through the ritual by a conductor. In Masonic ritual, Hiram Abiff is not a worker of brass as in Scripture, but rather the Grand Master at the building of Solomon’s temple. Each day, he lays out the work for the workmen to complete. There are Fellowcrafts who work on the temple who are to be given the secrets of a Master Mason as compensation - when the temple is completed. Once they have the secrets of a Master Mason they will earn the wages of a Master. A group of fifteen Fellowcrafts decide that they do not want to wait until the work is completed. They form a plot which only three of them carry through. The three "ruffians" sequentially accost Hiram at the East gate, the South gate and the West gate. A similar dialog occurs at each temple entrance. The ruffian demands the secrets of a Master Mason. Hiram explains that this is neither the time, nor the place; the secrets can only be revealed in the presence of three, King Solomon, Hiram the King of Tyre and myself. The ruffian demands, "Your life, or the secrets." Hiram responds, "My life you can have, my integrity - never." When they fail to get what they want, they strike Hiram with one of the working tools and he staggers to the next gate and the next encounter. The third ruffian is also unable to extract the secrets from Hiram Abiff. He strikes Hiram on the head with a setting maul and kills him. Hiram willingly laid down his life rather than betray his trust.
Being a Masonic "orphan", my mother a Masonic "widow"...I pose this to you...
Who will help the Mason's Widow?
As we all struggle through life, some get pushed aside. Help begins, then fades away. Sometimes, the Mason's widows and orphans slip through the cracks. They are still thought of in prayers and rituals, yet, nothing is done for them. Why is this? Isn't it Masonic oath to take care of the widows and orphans, just as the brethren take care of each other? So why do so many widows and orphans get over looked? Why is it that those widows and orphans that have contributed so much to the Masonic Organization whilst their Masonic husbands/fathers were alive, can not receive the help that they ask for upon the death of the beloved Mason that has passed on?
I can not answer these questions. I have found no-one that will answer these questions. We all struggle through life at times. Some are struggling now, while others are either climbing to their recovery or have yet to even join that struggle. We all know life is not fair sometimes and have to "play with the hand we are dealt". But life is what we make of it. I believe in helping others. I also believe that if you help others, that should be returned to you in your time of need.
So I ask you one more question...
Why is it that when my mother or myself help others out, then we need help ourselves and ask for it, THERE IS NO HELP FOR THE MASON'S WIDOW?
Let me explain...
Hiram Abiff in Masonic Ritual
During the Legend of the Third Degree, the candidate portrays Hiram Abiff in the ritual. He is blindfolded and led through the ritual by a conductor. In Masonic ritual, Hiram Abiff is not a worker of brass as in Scripture, but rather the Grand Master at the building of Solomon’s temple. Each day, he lays out the work for the workmen to complete. There are Fellowcrafts who work on the temple who are to be given the secrets of a Master Mason as compensation - when the temple is completed. Once they have the secrets of a Master Mason they will earn the wages of a Master. A group of fifteen Fellowcrafts decide that they do not want to wait until the work is completed. They form a plot which only three of them carry through. The three "ruffians" sequentially accost Hiram at the East gate, the South gate and the West gate. A similar dialog occurs at each temple entrance. The ruffian demands the secrets of a Master Mason. Hiram explains that this is neither the time, nor the place; the secrets can only be revealed in the presence of three, King Solomon, Hiram the King of Tyre and myself. The ruffian demands, "Your life, or the secrets." Hiram responds, "My life you can have, my integrity - never." When they fail to get what they want, they strike Hiram with one of the working tools and he staggers to the next gate and the next encounter. The third ruffian is also unable to extract the secrets from Hiram Abiff. He strikes Hiram on the head with a setting maul and kills him. Hiram willingly laid down his life rather than betray his trust.
Being a Masonic "orphan", my mother a Masonic "widow"...I pose this to you...
Who will help the Mason's Widow?
As we all struggle through life, some get pushed aside. Help begins, then fades away. Sometimes, the Mason's widows and orphans slip through the cracks. They are still thought of in prayers and rituals, yet, nothing is done for them. Why is this? Isn't it Masonic oath to take care of the widows and orphans, just as the brethren take care of each other? So why do so many widows and orphans get over looked? Why is it that those widows and orphans that have contributed so much to the Masonic Organization whilst their Masonic husbands/fathers were alive, can not receive the help that they ask for upon the death of the beloved Mason that has passed on?
I can not answer these questions. I have found no-one that will answer these questions. We all struggle through life at times. Some are struggling now, while others are either climbing to their recovery or have yet to even join that struggle. We all know life is not fair sometimes and have to "play with the hand we are dealt". But life is what we make of it. I believe in helping others. I also believe that if you help others, that should be returned to you in your time of need.
So I ask you one more question...
Why is it that when my mother or myself help others out, then we need help ourselves and ask for it, THERE IS NO HELP FOR THE MASON'S WIDOW?
Friday, November 20, 2009
An Addendum...
In yesterday's post I stated we had decided not to have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, Mama came home yesterday and sprung on me that she wants to get a small turkey and fix a small dinner for us. I agreed. I think it would be awesome.
We both kind of don't want to miss the turkey, dressing, gravy, etc...especially after watching a program on Food Network the other night called "Dear Food Network: Thanksgiving". It was about the top 10 questions searched on Food Network's website regarding Thanksgiving dinner. The more we watched, the more we both talked and wanted a Thanksgiving dinner.
So, we have decided to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner after all! We have planned our menu and know what we are fixing so that we can budget the grocery list! Yay us!
Well, Mama came home yesterday and sprung on me that she wants to get a small turkey and fix a small dinner for us. I agreed. I think it would be awesome.
We both kind of don't want to miss the turkey, dressing, gravy, etc...especially after watching a program on Food Network the other night called "Dear Food Network: Thanksgiving". It was about the top 10 questions searched on Food Network's website regarding Thanksgiving dinner. The more we watched, the more we both talked and wanted a Thanksgiving dinner.
So, we have decided to have the traditional Thanksgiving dinner after all! We have planned our menu and know what we are fixing so that we can budget the grocery list! Yay us!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Just A Long Rant
So, next week is Thanksgiving...a time for family to come together. This year, Thanksgiving is going to be different for our family.
You see, our family is just me, mama and Paisley now. Since G-dad passed in June, we really don't feel that preparing the traditional Thanksgiving meal is necessary.
This year we have decided to for-go the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc.
Why? Well, we honestly see no reason to spend the money and time for just the 2 of us. It will definitely be a change, but it's a change mama and I have discussed at length.
One thing we actually haven't discussed is if we get invited to someone else's home for Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, to me, it would depend on WHO invites us as to whether I would want to go or not. Maybe I'll breach that bridge this evening with mama and see what her idea is on that.
As for Other things going on right now...
I am still depressed some over my financial, job and health issues. I still need help in all 3 areas, and am still feeling as if the tunnel is still too long and the light still moves away as I slowly make my way through the darkness.
Yes, I am getting some help for my mental health and depression. I am seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Zoloft (which I have been on before for anxiety) for the depression. I've been on that for a little over a week now and I see a little improvement. However, I'm a little concerned b/c I have had some nervousness and nervous energy since I began the Zoloft.
This is something I did NOT experience previously with this medication. I am giving it a chance to "settle" into my system, but in working in pharmacy, I do know that if a medications causes something like this it's usually something that only lasts a few days. Also, a week and a half if plenty of time for a new medication to "settle" into a person's system.
I have a 2 week follow-up next week to see how the med is working. I am going to continue the Zoloft until then. If the nervous activity continues until then, I will mention it then and see what will take place.
On the job front, no one is hiring. I have tried Rite-Aid, Kerr Drug, Walgreens, even some of the other independents and no one is hiring! I do not want to return to CVS, as they do not pay techs as they should be paid. I have not tried Wal*Mart, however, I really do not care for the RX Manager at the one closest to me (as we do not get along...we worked together at CVS before I left). I think I am going to contact Sam's Club or Costco pharmacies and see if they have any openings. I may also try the Wal*Mart on Wendover (though, those 3 are a bit of a far drive for me)
The financial situation ties into the job situation also. Something has got to give somewhere, sometime...and SOON I hope!
Things can only get better, right? They have to! I'm not sure how much longer mama, nor I, can take this! We are fast approaching that infamous "breaking point"!
So anyone that can help, I would appreciate it. If you know of a job opening, let me know, please. Even if it's not pharmacy...I am willing to try (so long as it works physically for me). If you have any advice, I'm listening! Anything would be greatly appreciated!
I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS DEARLY AND GREATLY!!
You see, our family is just me, mama and Paisley now. Since G-dad passed in June, we really don't feel that preparing the traditional Thanksgiving meal is necessary.
This year we have decided to for-go the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc.
Why? Well, we honestly see no reason to spend the money and time for just the 2 of us. It will definitely be a change, but it's a change mama and I have discussed at length.
One thing we actually haven't discussed is if we get invited to someone else's home for Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, to me, it would depend on WHO invites us as to whether I would want to go or not. Maybe I'll breach that bridge this evening with mama and see what her idea is on that.
As for Other things going on right now...
I am still depressed some over my financial, job and health issues. I still need help in all 3 areas, and am still feeling as if the tunnel is still too long and the light still moves away as I slowly make my way through the darkness.
Yes, I am getting some help for my mental health and depression. I am seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Zoloft (which I have been on before for anxiety) for the depression. I've been on that for a little over a week now and I see a little improvement. However, I'm a little concerned b/c I have had some nervousness and nervous energy since I began the Zoloft.
This is something I did NOT experience previously with this medication. I am giving it a chance to "settle" into my system, but in working in pharmacy, I do know that if a medications causes something like this it's usually something that only lasts a few days. Also, a week and a half if plenty of time for a new medication to "settle" into a person's system.
I have a 2 week follow-up next week to see how the med is working. I am going to continue the Zoloft until then. If the nervous activity continues until then, I will mention it then and see what will take place.
On the job front, no one is hiring. I have tried Rite-Aid, Kerr Drug, Walgreens, even some of the other independents and no one is hiring! I do not want to return to CVS, as they do not pay techs as they should be paid. I have not tried Wal*Mart, however, I really do not care for the RX Manager at the one closest to me (as we do not get along...we worked together at CVS before I left). I think I am going to contact Sam's Club or Costco pharmacies and see if they have any openings. I may also try the Wal*Mart on Wendover (though, those 3 are a bit of a far drive for me)
The financial situation ties into the job situation also. Something has got to give somewhere, sometime...and SOON I hope!
Things can only get better, right? They have to! I'm not sure how much longer mama, nor I, can take this! We are fast approaching that infamous "breaking point"!
So anyone that can help, I would appreciate it. If you know of a job opening, let me know, please. Even if it's not pharmacy...I am willing to try (so long as it works physically for me). If you have any advice, I'm listening! Anything would be greatly appreciated!
I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS DEARLY AND GREATLY!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
In 3's...
Ok...so these things happen in 3's...
First, we lost Jeff on the Wednesday night league to sudden death. Now, we get a wake up call this morning to find out another bowler and VERY dear friend to us committed suicide on Wednesday night.
So what's next? Bad stuff always happens in 3's...
This scares me to no end!!!
First, we lost Jeff on the Wednesday night league to sudden death. Now, we get a wake up call this morning to find out another bowler and VERY dear friend to us committed suicide on Wednesday night.
So what's next? Bad stuff always happens in 3's...
This scares me to no end!!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
...............
So why is it that if someone asks me for help, I do all I can to help them? Yet, when I ask for help...I can't get it? What's up with that? How does that work? What ever happened to "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours"??
It's no wonder I can't seem to get back on track. I HAVE TRIED AND I CAN NOT SEEM TO GET BACK ON TRACK ON MY OWN!!! I need help people! Is there *ANYONE* that is willing to "scratch my back" and help me out here?
I just LOVE it when someone tells you they will be there for you, help you out if you need it, etc...and then...when you need it they back down on that. That's what is wrong with the world today. People only care about themselves anymore. If it doesn't benefit them, they don't care. It's all for one and none for all and that's just plain wrong!
Unless, you get the media in on it and have a super sad story, noone is willing to help out just the plain person that needs it!
I got news for ya people...there are OTHERS that need help that have fallen through the cracks or seem to appear invisible! People you may not realize that need help...and when they try to seek out that help...again, they are invisible or their pleas go unanswered. Then...it's usually too late. They are just too far gone to help them anymore.
I feel like I'm getting there. I'm at the end of the rope and there is barely one little thread keeping me from falling. I'm at the edge of the cliff and the edge is slipping out from under my feet rock by rock. The pin sized light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller and smaller and farther away. Every one step I take, the light moves about 5 more away. I don't know what to do anymore.
I need help. I *NEED* help. I NEED HELP! How many ways can I say it? How many times do I have to say it? What else can I do? Where else can I go? I have no more ideas what or how to do it.
It's no wonder I can't seem to get back on track. I HAVE TRIED AND I CAN NOT SEEM TO GET BACK ON TRACK ON MY OWN!!! I need help people! Is there *ANYONE* that is willing to "scratch my back" and help me out here?
I just LOVE it when someone tells you they will be there for you, help you out if you need it, etc...and then...when you need it they back down on that. That's what is wrong with the world today. People only care about themselves anymore. If it doesn't benefit them, they don't care. It's all for one and none for all and that's just plain wrong!
Unless, you get the media in on it and have a super sad story, noone is willing to help out just the plain person that needs it!
I got news for ya people...there are OTHERS that need help that have fallen through the cracks or seem to appear invisible! People you may not realize that need help...and when they try to seek out that help...again, they are invisible or their pleas go unanswered. Then...it's usually too late. They are just too far gone to help them anymore.
I feel like I'm getting there. I'm at the end of the rope and there is barely one little thread keeping me from falling. I'm at the edge of the cliff and the edge is slipping out from under my feet rock by rock. The pin sized light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller and smaller and farther away. Every one step I take, the light moves about 5 more away. I don't know what to do anymore.
I need help. I *NEED* help. I NEED HELP! How many ways can I say it? How many times do I have to say it? What else can I do? Where else can I go? I have no more ideas what or how to do it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Not Believed...
I hate the feeling of not being believed.
And that's how I feel right now. As if noone believes how I feel or what's going through my head or the kind of days that I have.
For example, I just got a call from the lawyer's office that I have been talking to about possible help with disability. From the lawyer herself. Basically, I was told on my first appointment with her paralegal that I have a winable case. Now, she's telling me I don't...
And she came to that conclusion based on the SSD doctor's notes from when I went to the visits with them per SSD. They didn't believe me. Basically said that they don't think there is anything wrong.
I firmly believe the reasoning for that is the days I did go see them, happened to be better days. Days when I was in less pain. Days when my mind was a little clearer. They didn't believe me.
Basically, the lawyer herself doesn't believe FM is real. Doesn't believe in FM at all. That's the impression I got. She also said something about my visit with Dr Mieden, the neurologist...he mentioned something about Lupus. Again, basically, the lawyer told me that if it was Lupus, then it would be "easier" to prove than FM.
I really don't know what to do or think at this point.
Yes, I know that some of the signs/symptoms for FM and Lupus are "interchangeable". And it could very well end up being Lupus and not FM...especially, since I have begun to notice a slight reddening on my face in a "butterfly" shape that is usually a tell-tale sign of Lupus.
I do know that I need to contact Dr Mieden's office, as the prescription for the Neurontin is nearly expired as it's been a year. But how can you do that when you don't have the money to go see them? Will they work with me in that aspect? Kind of hard to get the help you need when there is no money to pay those you need the help from! And how can I get help from Social Services when they won't help me b/c, and I'm not being racist here, I'm the wrong color? Or so it seems anyway.
As I'm typing this, I sit here and cry b/c it hurts! Why is it that when I need help, I can't get it? Is it b/c I have the morals and values to tell the truth and not lie just to get in? In good conscience, I can't lie about something just to make it sound worse than it really is! I have a hard time with something like that.
So what can I do?
And that's how I feel right now. As if noone believes how I feel or what's going through my head or the kind of days that I have.
For example, I just got a call from the lawyer's office that I have been talking to about possible help with disability. From the lawyer herself. Basically, I was told on my first appointment with her paralegal that I have a winable case. Now, she's telling me I don't...
And she came to that conclusion based on the SSD doctor's notes from when I went to the visits with them per SSD. They didn't believe me. Basically said that they don't think there is anything wrong.
I firmly believe the reasoning for that is the days I did go see them, happened to be better days. Days when I was in less pain. Days when my mind was a little clearer. They didn't believe me.
Basically, the lawyer herself doesn't believe FM is real. Doesn't believe in FM at all. That's the impression I got. She also said something about my visit with Dr Mieden, the neurologist...he mentioned something about Lupus. Again, basically, the lawyer told me that if it was Lupus, then it would be "easier" to prove than FM.
I really don't know what to do or think at this point.
Yes, I know that some of the signs/symptoms for FM and Lupus are "interchangeable". And it could very well end up being Lupus and not FM...especially, since I have begun to notice a slight reddening on my face in a "butterfly" shape that is usually a tell-tale sign of Lupus.
I do know that I need to contact Dr Mieden's office, as the prescription for the Neurontin is nearly expired as it's been a year. But how can you do that when you don't have the money to go see them? Will they work with me in that aspect? Kind of hard to get the help you need when there is no money to pay those you need the help from! And how can I get help from Social Services when they won't help me b/c, and I'm not being racist here, I'm the wrong color? Or so it seems anyway.
As I'm typing this, I sit here and cry b/c it hurts! Why is it that when I need help, I can't get it? Is it b/c I have the morals and values to tell the truth and not lie just to get in? In good conscience, I can't lie about something just to make it sound worse than it really is! I have a hard time with something like that.
So what can I do?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Yoga/Meditation
Ok, I have decided that yoga/meditation could be a good step for me to attempt. All that I have read, all that I have learned of FM (fibromyalgia), yoga/meditation can help big time! Not only with the physical pain, but with the internal pain, the emotional roller coaster that I am constantly riding on. It will help me pull from within my inner peace. Help to stabilize the ups and downs, and keep me on a straight and wide path to where I need to be, where I should be! And with the help of a friend who practices yoga, I have found where I need to start. Now, to just actually start. That will be coming soon...I have to check it out, see what it's about, see if it will help, see if it's right for me. This, my friends, I plan to do within the coming week. If I find this works for me, I will post how I feel and what it's done for me. Maybe, I will convince some of you to try yoga/meditation with my improvements. I do look forward to trying this and helping myself heal both emotionally and physically! For now, these are my thoughts...anyone wishing to join me in partaking this adventure please do so!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Content and Safe...
So...this morning I was sleeping deeply...and I do mean DEEPLY!! As in, so deep in sleep and dream that I didn't hear the TV turn on for the wake up timer! I'm not sure exactly what I was dreaming that had me so deep in dreamland, but all I know is I woke up content and feeling safe...and happy...with a smile on my face, perplexed, but smiling none the less. I wish I knew what that dream was exactly. All I can see in my mind's eye is that I was with someone that made me feel that way and I could still feel his arms around me...and he looked familiar. That's it. And now I can't shake that. Oh, and I was wearing sweats and a raggedy t-shirt that I wear when cleaning house, but I wasn't at home...I had been at my Aunt's house and we walked down the street. Ya know, the more I type the more I'm remembering! Funny how that's working out! Anyway...he was wearing a light blue, long sleeved jean shirt..unbuttoned with a black t-shirt underneath with something on it...I think the American Flag with something else, blue jeans, black shoes (couldn't tell if they were tennie's or boots) and a hat. And he had medium-dark brown hair. We were at his parent's house, where my Aunt and I had walked to...he came out of the house (as we were outside talking with his parents), hugged me and well, never let go. But yet I felt content, love, happiness and safety in his arms. Wild. Wish I knew who that was that made me feel that way and that if he truly does exist, that he would let me know so that maybe I can continue to feel like this. I like this feeling. It's wonderful and just what I need right now in my life.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Rambling
So I need some inspiration in my life. Any one willing to help me out? Any one?
I need an angel to watch over me and guide me where I need to go, where I need to be, and help show me how to get there!
I know I need some sort of guidance in my life right now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to get there. Hence, needing that guiding angel right now. I'm at a point in my life that I really shouldn't be at. I should be riding high on the rails...but I feel as if I'm under ground...travelling so fast I'm not sure I'll ever be able to slow down and stop. I fear that when I do stop, it will be such a sudden crash that I'll never recover. And that's a scary thought. Crash and burn...I never once imagined in all my life I'd feel that way. No, I'm not at a point of total desperation...but I'm at that point that I feel as if there is no way out of this dark tunnel I'm in...
I see a tiny pin prick of light somewhere ahead, but the closer I get the smaller it seems to get.
This is definitely not where I pictured my life to be at 31 years old! By now, I just knew I would be with the one I'm supposed to be with, having or starting a family of my own and working in the career that I was born for. But, that's not where I'm at and frankly, that kind of bothers me. Am I destined to be alone? Not have my own family? Not have someone to love and to love me back? To always bounce up and down in such a way that I feel the more it happens the further down I go and the less likely I am to make it back to the top?
I try to stay positive, to try to see that tiny pin prick of light ahead of me...but damn it's hard sometimes! Why does it always seem to be me? Why am I always the last one?
I need an angel to watch over me and guide me where I need to go, where I need to be, and help show me how to get there!
I know I need some sort of guidance in my life right now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to get there. Hence, needing that guiding angel right now. I'm at a point in my life that I really shouldn't be at. I should be riding high on the rails...but I feel as if I'm under ground...travelling so fast I'm not sure I'll ever be able to slow down and stop. I fear that when I do stop, it will be such a sudden crash that I'll never recover. And that's a scary thought. Crash and burn...I never once imagined in all my life I'd feel that way. No, I'm not at a point of total desperation...but I'm at that point that I feel as if there is no way out of this dark tunnel I'm in...
I see a tiny pin prick of light somewhere ahead, but the closer I get the smaller it seems to get.
This is definitely not where I pictured my life to be at 31 years old! By now, I just knew I would be with the one I'm supposed to be with, having or starting a family of my own and working in the career that I was born for. But, that's not where I'm at and frankly, that kind of bothers me. Am I destined to be alone? Not have my own family? Not have someone to love and to love me back? To always bounce up and down in such a way that I feel the more it happens the further down I go and the less likely I am to make it back to the top?
I try to stay positive, to try to see that tiny pin prick of light ahead of me...but damn it's hard sometimes! Why does it always seem to be me? Why am I always the last one?
"Surround Me"
I guess they've never seen my island,
And where it lies at sea
I'm lost inside my memory.
I'm still in disbelief.
If I could paint a picture for you this is what you'd see
I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me...now
A wounded man sounds desperate when he's lost all his belief
Can you look into my eyes and say you won't betray me
We're running out of time
How precious time can be
I'm counting all the moments of the times you could have helped me
I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me
I'm down on my knees
Begging you to rescue me
Please stop me
Don't let me run
Surround me...Surround me
Surround me now
"Broken"
What if I told you that fear isn't real.
Why are we overcome with death?
What if I told you my friends your doubt
You could live without!
There is a question I want to understand
Why can't everyone tell the truth and learn to love again
Do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used
Scared and confused
Yes I know
One more question...I know time is dear
Is what the world speaks of love really real?
The answers not of this world but very clear
Look above to find love and you found eternal life
Street corner preachers you've heard before
Friendly advice just gets thrown out the door
There is a question that I want to understand
Why can't everyone tell the truth...and learn to love again
Do you know...what it feels like to be broken and used?
Scared and confused
Yes I know...what it feels like to be broken and used
Scared and confused
Yes I know
I'm Broken!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Dumpsville
So it's been almost 3 months since I've posted anything. Just been in one of those "slumps".
Today, I sit here and I'm down in the dumps. Why? I have no idea. I just know that I'm a little depressed...and stressed. Wondering when will my life pick back up and get back on track? Like it was? How did I let this train called my life derail? And boy, what a train wreck it is!
I'm experiencing new pains and aches almost on a daily basis. Annoying things too! Other aches and pains are getting a little more achy and painful. All I want to do is stay in the bed and sleep or lay on the couch and sleep. I can't seem to get motivated anymore.
And on the motivation note...trying to find another pharm tech position is really driving me down. No one is hiring. I have even tried other places and no one is hiring...at least no one that is willing to work with my physical limitations. Oh sure, I could go to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that...and believe me, it's not beneath me to do so...but they wouldn't understand my situation and work with my physical limitations. Why wouldn't they? Because they have an EXTREMELY high turn-over rate for employees. And I do mean it's high. Why hire someone who has physical limitations that wants to work and earn their check and stick around when they can hire the teeny-boppers who want a check but not do the work?!? Makes perfect sense to me...how about you?
Anyway, enough on that band wagon. What I need is some kind of motivation. I need happiness to join my life once again. I need a crane to lift this train wreck of a life and place it back on the track where it belongs...where it never should have derailed from!
If anyone reading this knows of a position that is open that will work with my physical limitations...please feel free to let me know.
Today, I sit here and I'm down in the dumps. Why? I have no idea. I just know that I'm a little depressed...and stressed. Wondering when will my life pick back up and get back on track? Like it was? How did I let this train called my life derail? And boy, what a train wreck it is!
I'm experiencing new pains and aches almost on a daily basis. Annoying things too! Other aches and pains are getting a little more achy and painful. All I want to do is stay in the bed and sleep or lay on the couch and sleep. I can't seem to get motivated anymore.
And on the motivation note...trying to find another pharm tech position is really driving me down. No one is hiring. I have even tried other places and no one is hiring...at least no one that is willing to work with my physical limitations. Oh sure, I could go to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that...and believe me, it's not beneath me to do so...but they wouldn't understand my situation and work with my physical limitations. Why wouldn't they? Because they have an EXTREMELY high turn-over rate for employees. And I do mean it's high. Why hire someone who has physical limitations that wants to work and earn their check and stick around when they can hire the teeny-boppers who want a check but not do the work?!? Makes perfect sense to me...how about you?
Anyway, enough on that band wagon. What I need is some kind of motivation. I need happiness to join my life once again. I need a crane to lift this train wreck of a life and place it back on the track where it belongs...where it never should have derailed from!
If anyone reading this knows of a position that is open that will work with my physical limitations...please feel free to let me know.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Have You Ever?
[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]
I was listening to this song today...just kind of in an old skool mood. It got me to thinking about that one that I feel this way about. Wondering, does he feel the same way? Does he think about me as I think about him? In all reality, he's all I think about. Why don't I do something about it, you ask? I ask myself that all the time. I think I'm scare to. I'm afraid he'll reject me. I'm afraid he won't feel the same way and I'll be let down, my bubble burst.
Just thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him (when I catch him at a good time)...makes my stomach flip flop...my heart race...a smile to caress my face! It's hard NOT to think about him.
But I just can not bring myself to tell him. I know I know...you should always tell a person how you feel, b/c you may never get the chance...but I'm too afraid. I don't want my heart to break any more. I know he wouldn't break it...but if he didn't feel the same way, my heart would be shattered into tiny little pieces and I'm not so sure that I could repair it this time. It's been repaired so many times in the past, and each time it breaks...the pieces get smaller and smaller, making it more difficult than the last time to repair it.
Mama's always told me to "chase him until he catches you". Well, that's what I've been doing...he just doesn't take the bait. I've tried since we first met to hook him...
Am I using the wrong bait? Am I dangling the hook too high for him to grab? Has the line snapped all together and I just haven't realized it?
Maybe I just need to give up on him...give up on love completely...and face it that I will probably be alone the rest of my life.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
MJ
You know...yesterday was the memorial service for Michael Jackson at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. I wasn't going to watch it. Personally, I'm tired of all the hype over MJ, and nothing over Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon or Billy Mays. Yes, I like MJ's music...yes, all he wanted was peace and for the world to stop fighting and make this world a better place, not just for us, but for future generations...yes he was an instrumental figure in music, charity, life...but c'mon. There are others also that deserve just as much attention.
Well, I did end up watching the MJ service...on CNN.com Live on FaceBook. It was a truly beautiful ceremony. I cried a few times, yes. Who didn't? I chatted with friends back and forth about what was going on during the memorial. I honestly don't think there was anyone that wasn't watching it or checking in on it at some point during the 3 hours it lasted. My favorite part? Usher. He made such a moving tribute to MJ when he came down off the stage, walked over to MJ's casket, stared, then rested his hand on his casket. To me, it was like he was sending a part of him with MJ. That was awesome! Next? When his daughter Paris said something in the end. That truly touched my heart. She didn't call him Michael...she called him "daddy". You know I have always said that any man can be a father...but it takes a special person to be a "daddy" and in Paris, Prince and Blanket's eyes...he was their daddy. Even through all the scandals. But ya know something? There is NOT a celebrity on this earth that has not faced scandals! That's a part of the job of being a celebrity. Scandals...papparazzi...virtually non-existent private life. If you want to be in that business...then be prepared to deal with and handle that!
But, one thing I do have to be totally honest about. I did respect MJ alot for what he wanted and what he did and TRIED to do for this world. Instead of sitting on his ass just wishing and hoping that peace would happen...that hunger would end...that poverty would end...he went out and TRIED to make it happen. He didn't end the worlds perils...but he tried...he made the attempt.
I know this is many days late in coming...but I was just sitting here thinking. And this is what I was thinking about. I truly believe that alot of celebrities support charities ONLY to stay good with the general population. And to stay on the "A" lists and not be "black listed". MJ wasn't like that. He truly believe in his charities...he visited, he went to other countries...not just to perform in concerts and make money, but to see just what was going on and what could he do? How could he make it better? What can he say to get people motivated? **shrugs** But how many of us truly listened to what the words to his songs said? How many of us KNOW what "Heal The World" was about? Or "Man In The Mirror"? Or even "You Are Not Alone"? They say alot. Very few artists in the music industry today use their music as a cry out for help from all of us. Sure MJ had songs that were not in that category, but if you stop to think about it...at least 1-2 songs per album was a cry for help...for help not for him but for the people of this world that are suffering.
OK...I'm getting off this soapbox now. Just wanted to express some thoughts.
Well, I did end up watching the MJ service...on CNN.com Live on FaceBook. It was a truly beautiful ceremony. I cried a few times, yes. Who didn't? I chatted with friends back and forth about what was going on during the memorial. I honestly don't think there was anyone that wasn't watching it or checking in on it at some point during the 3 hours it lasted. My favorite part? Usher. He made such a moving tribute to MJ when he came down off the stage, walked over to MJ's casket, stared, then rested his hand on his casket. To me, it was like he was sending a part of him with MJ. That was awesome! Next? When his daughter Paris said something in the end. That truly touched my heart. She didn't call him Michael...she called him "daddy". You know I have always said that any man can be a father...but it takes a special person to be a "daddy" and in Paris, Prince and Blanket's eyes...he was their daddy. Even through all the scandals. But ya know something? There is NOT a celebrity on this earth that has not faced scandals! That's a part of the job of being a celebrity. Scandals...papparazzi...virtually non-existent private life. If you want to be in that business...then be prepared to deal with and handle that!
But, one thing I do have to be totally honest about. I did respect MJ alot for what he wanted and what he did and TRIED to do for this world. Instead of sitting on his ass just wishing and hoping that peace would happen...that hunger would end...that poverty would end...he went out and TRIED to make it happen. He didn't end the worlds perils...but he tried...he made the attempt.
I know this is many days late in coming...but I was just sitting here thinking. And this is what I was thinking about. I truly believe that alot of celebrities support charities ONLY to stay good with the general population. And to stay on the "A" lists and not be "black listed". MJ wasn't like that. He truly believe in his charities...he visited, he went to other countries...not just to perform in concerts and make money, but to see just what was going on and what could he do? How could he make it better? What can he say to get people motivated? **shrugs** But how many of us truly listened to what the words to his songs said? How many of us KNOW what "Heal The World" was about? Or "Man In The Mirror"? Or even "You Are Not Alone"? They say alot. Very few artists in the music industry today use their music as a cry out for help from all of us. Sure MJ had songs that were not in that category, but if you stop to think about it...at least 1-2 songs per album was a cry for help...for help not for him but for the people of this world that are suffering.
OK...I'm getting off this soapbox now. Just wanted to express some thoughts.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
RE: Fakers
Well, I have had 24 hours to chill after that last post regarding the "fakers" in my life.
I have seen such a show of support from people that understand and do care enough about me to want to know "What's wrong?" or "Was it me?". I've learned in the past NOT to name names when I am venting my frustrations out through writing. And I still will not reveal names of anyone, but I know those persons know who they are...b/c if they are true human beings, they will feel it and KNOW they were the ones that created that explosion.
There truly are some special people in my life who want to help, who are there and who will do what they promise! Mama is one of those special people. She always has been and always will be! Holly, you have helped me alot...even though sometimes I have fallen through on my word, though not completely...I was just "late" getting to it! HaHa! Maggs, you're words of kindness and encouragement have helped to keep me from slipping downward. Vic, you also! Patrick and Carrie, who I have connected with in a kindred souls kind of way...and everyone else that has taken the time to respond and ask me "What the hell is going on?". THANKS!!!
It's still that time for a little re-arranging in my life. A little displacement of certain people and things. Things have got to change, and someone made me realize (Thanks Maggs!), that if they are going to change....I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING! And that's what I'm going to do! It may take some time...but it will happen...you just watch and see!
Ok, I feel better now, I'm happier and back to my normal self! Love you all!
I have seen such a show of support from people that understand and do care enough about me to want to know "What's wrong?" or "Was it me?". I've learned in the past NOT to name names when I am venting my frustrations out through writing. And I still will not reveal names of anyone, but I know those persons know who they are...b/c if they are true human beings, they will feel it and KNOW they were the ones that created that explosion.
There truly are some special people in my life who want to help, who are there and who will do what they promise! Mama is one of those special people. She always has been and always will be! Holly, you have helped me alot...even though sometimes I have fallen through on my word, though not completely...I was just "late" getting to it! HaHa! Maggs, you're words of kindness and encouragement have helped to keep me from slipping downward. Vic, you also! Patrick and Carrie, who I have connected with in a kindred souls kind of way...and everyone else that has taken the time to respond and ask me "What the hell is going on?". THANKS!!!
It's still that time for a little re-arranging in my life. A little displacement of certain people and things. Things have got to change, and someone made me realize (Thanks Maggs!), that if they are going to change....I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GET THE BALL ROLLING! And that's what I'm going to do! It may take some time...but it will happen...you just watch and see!
Ok, I feel better now, I'm happier and back to my normal self! Love you all!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Fakers
As I began saying on FB...
I am tired of "fake" people. People that claim to be your friend and that they will be there if you need to talk, or need a shoulder, or need to get away for a few hours. Ha! Yeah, right!
Why tell someone, especially in an hour of grief/need, that you are there for them and to call them if you need to talk, or to cry on their shoulder...if you are NOT going to be there for them? Or if you are going to IGNORE every attempt they make to get your help?? Why?!? What's the point?? That's like telling a lie about something...it's useless and pointless!
Whatever happened to REAL friends? Friends that last through the years? Why have people become so fake? Why the facades? Why so shallow? It used to be that you could stand by someone's word. If they gave their word...it stood...regardless. Now, good luck even GETTING a word!
And why is it that, I'm there to help people (willing to drop what I'm doing in a friends time of need), but when I ask for help...I get excuses. I get shot down and don't get the help? I'm sick of it! It hurts me too bad every time it happens and I'm tired of being hurt. I don't enjoy it.
You people think it's fun to hurt me don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought! All my life I have felt nothing but hurt from just about EVERYONE I know. And alot of it comes from the same people...every single time!
All my life I said, all my life. From the time I was little, even up until now. Ever wonder why I make fun of myself? Call myself fat? Call myself a whale? Make hurtful remarks about myself? Well, I'll tell you...BECAUSE IT HURTS ME LESS THAN WHEN YOU DO IT TO ME!! That's why. Ever stop to think that God made us all different for a reason? Some fat, some skinny, some attractive, some not attractive? Even different races and skin tones? Well it's called DIVERSITY people. If we all looked the same, dressed the same, acted the same..it would be a damn boring world, wouldn't it? Thought so!
I'm tired of the hurt and the frustrations in my life! Maybe I'm being a little petty here, but after a while, all the little hurtful things that you do to me, that you don't realize hurt me...they build up. And they keep building and keep building...and that does NOTHING but cause me to delve deeper into myself until eventually, I hit the point I'm at now. That I'm FED UP WITH IT ALL! And I let it loose. Thankfully, I have found blogging to take it out on and am less likely to take it out on someone that I truly care about who just happens to be talking to me at the wrong time when it explodes out of me like Mt St Helena!
Stop and think people...even the LITTLE things can be hurtful to people. Stop and think people...what might not hurt you might hurt someone else. If you truly care about someone, you will stick to your word. You will be there in their time of need.
I know I'm one of those people that is willing to be there for those I consider friends. And as of RIGHT NOW, if I help you out, if I'm there for you...and when I need you, I get excuses or you tell me you'll be there and then not...forget it, you are out of my life...for good.
I've been hurt way too much and dammit, it's time I take control of myself and NOT allow anyone to hurt me anymore! All I ask for out of life is loving family and friends...and respect. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so.
I'm tired tired tired. And it's gonna end...RIGHT NOW!
I am tired of "fake" people. People that claim to be your friend and that they will be there if you need to talk, or need a shoulder, or need to get away for a few hours. Ha! Yeah, right!
Why tell someone, especially in an hour of grief/need, that you are there for them and to call them if you need to talk, or to cry on their shoulder...if you are NOT going to be there for them? Or if you are going to IGNORE every attempt they make to get your help?? Why?!? What's the point?? That's like telling a lie about something...it's useless and pointless!
Whatever happened to REAL friends? Friends that last through the years? Why have people become so fake? Why the facades? Why so shallow? It used to be that you could stand by someone's word. If they gave their word...it stood...regardless. Now, good luck even GETTING a word!
And why is it that, I'm there to help people (willing to drop what I'm doing in a friends time of need), but when I ask for help...I get excuses. I get shot down and don't get the help? I'm sick of it! It hurts me too bad every time it happens and I'm tired of being hurt. I don't enjoy it.
You people think it's fun to hurt me don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought! All my life I have felt nothing but hurt from just about EVERYONE I know. And alot of it comes from the same people...every single time!
All my life I said, all my life. From the time I was little, even up until now. Ever wonder why I make fun of myself? Call myself fat? Call myself a whale? Make hurtful remarks about myself? Well, I'll tell you...BECAUSE IT HURTS ME LESS THAN WHEN YOU DO IT TO ME!! That's why. Ever stop to think that God made us all different for a reason? Some fat, some skinny, some attractive, some not attractive? Even different races and skin tones? Well it's called DIVERSITY people. If we all looked the same, dressed the same, acted the same..it would be a damn boring world, wouldn't it? Thought so!
I'm tired of the hurt and the frustrations in my life! Maybe I'm being a little petty here, but after a while, all the little hurtful things that you do to me, that you don't realize hurt me...they build up. And they keep building and keep building...and that does NOTHING but cause me to delve deeper into myself until eventually, I hit the point I'm at now. That I'm FED UP WITH IT ALL! And I let it loose. Thankfully, I have found blogging to take it out on and am less likely to take it out on someone that I truly care about who just happens to be talking to me at the wrong time when it explodes out of me like Mt St Helena!
Stop and think people...even the LITTLE things can be hurtful to people. Stop and think people...what might not hurt you might hurt someone else. If you truly care about someone, you will stick to your word. You will be there in their time of need.
I know I'm one of those people that is willing to be there for those I consider friends. And as of RIGHT NOW, if I help you out, if I'm there for you...and when I need you, I get excuses or you tell me you'll be there and then not...forget it, you are out of my life...for good.
I've been hurt way too much and dammit, it's time I take control of myself and NOT allow anyone to hurt me anymore! All I ask for out of life is loving family and friends...and respect. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so.
I'm tired tired tired. And it's gonna end...RIGHT NOW!
Friday, June 26, 2009
FarmTown
Ok...I am sooo hooked on playing this little sim game called "FarmTown". It's so much fun. You get to build your own farm by plowing, planting, selling, etc. You can receive and send gifts of trees, flowers and animals. It's a virtual farm! It's so relaxing!! You meet new people who you can hire to harvest for you which gets you more moolah when you sell your crops! You can buy houses and barns and fencing and rivers and windmills and all sorts of things to make your farm awesome! If you are on FaceBook you should check it out! If you are not on FaceBook, or MySpace, you can check it out by going to the website...FarmTown and clicking on the "Play FarmTown" button at the top of the page! Oh so exciting! For my FB friends...join up! The more neighbors you have...the more experience points you can get for visting and tending to your neighbors farms. Add people that you hire to harvest for you to your buddy list (if you want or like them) and then you can hire them again! You can make alot of new friends that way! And get away sometimes from real life and just life the simple farm life!! So c'mon! "Won't you be...my neighbor?"
Nice Photo Op!
Well, we woke up this morning, like normal at 8am. Sitting in the bedroom watching the Fox8 morning news, and Paisley begins barking. It's a different bark, a bark we haven't heard before. Mama hollers out "PAISLEY!". Yet, the pup continues with this barking rampage. So, being the loving mama I am to her, I head into the living room and remind her, as I do so many times, "They are in their yard. They are not bothering you!". "They" being the neighbors dogs, Kayla (a black lab) and Lola (a white lab), both of whom Paisley despises. Anyway, the look on her face told me it wasn't Kayla or Lola, so I step to the door to look out. And what do I see? But a single doe...standing in our neighbors driveway and munching on oaklings. Needless to say, I zoomed into the computer room, grabbed my camera off the charger and flew back into the living room...and this is what I got...
Wow! What a sight that was! It's unusual to see a deer at that time of day so close to a home..or even at all. We've seen them before, but it's been in the early evening time! So naturally, I snapped the above photos before she sauntered on across the road and into the brush where I could no longer see her. Wow! What a beautiful day this could turn out to be!
Wow! What a sight that was! It's unusual to see a deer at that time of day so close to a home..or even at all. We've seen them before, but it's been in the early evening time! So naturally, I snapped the above photos before she sauntered on across the road and into the brush where I could no longer see her. Wow! What a beautiful day this could turn out to be!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Long Week...
Well, it has been quite a week so far. G'dad, who had been in a nursing home since early May, passed away on Saturday, June 13, 2009 around 608am. He had been ok Friday afternoon when we went to see him, sleepy, but that's usual for him. He had a small bit of congestion, but we weren't too worried b/c he'd had that before due to the fact that he had trouble swallowing. We went on and went to bowling that night, then about 330am Sat morning, we got a call from the nursing home that they were taking him to the hospital. He was vomitting, high fever and respiratory distress. So, we got woke up and dressed and headed to the hospital. We got there around 430am or so, but they wouldn't let us go back at that time b/c there was a "violent trauma" there the same time, and NO-ONE was going in or out. So, we just waited. We stepped outside for some air and to catch a smoke, when one of the guards came out to find us to let us know we could go in. The triage nurse (the BEST triage nurse we ever encountered there) walked us back to his room. We had decided on the way over that we weren't going to call anyone else, like Uncle Ricky until we knew what was going on. Well, that changed as soon as we walked into the room. When we saw g'dads color (around his mouth and his hands had already started to turn), we knew. Without a word being spoken, I grabbed my cell and dialed my uncle. This was about 520am or so. He got there about 15-20 minutes later. While we were waiting for him to arrive, we both held g'dads hands and talked to him. Me on one side and Mama on the other. Telling him things like "I love you" and "Don't worry, we'll be ok" and "Everything is ok now". He couldn't respond b/c they had him "comfortable" so that he wasn't hurting. About 5 minutes before my uncle got there, the ER doc came in and told us he was critically ill and that he had pneumonia. Well, as soon as we heard that, we knew he wouldn't live much longer. The staff at Moses Cone ER were super during this time, leaving us to our last precious minutes with him. As soon as my uncle arrived, I moved to Mama's side so he could hold his hand and touch him and talk to him. Mama and I were holding one hand, rubbing his shoulders and forehead and telling him we loved him, and my uncle was doing the same. Then, about 5 till 6 or so, he actually stopped breathing. So he drew his last breath sometime within minutes of 6am. We stood there with tears in our eyes as we watched and waited for him to draw another breath, but that didn't happen. Around 608am, his heart finally stopped beating. Mama stopped his watch at that time. The nurse came in at the sound of the alarm, turned that off and checked for a heart beat. Hearing none, he stepped out and summoned the doctor for verification. We left the hospital about 5 minutes later to come home.
We got home, and Paisley, who normally BOUNDS around the fridge to greet us bouncing all the time, slowly walked around the fridge, ears back, a sad look on her face. She knew. She gently placed her two front paws on Mama's thighs and stretched up to give her lovin's...then she did the same to me. She was soooo sweet and gentle. But she knew...she knew her buddy wasn't coming home. She knew he was gone. I think she knew the moment we got the call that he wasn't coming home.
Well, the funeral home called around 8ish to set up a time to discuss his arrangements. We went that afternoon and got everything set up, picked out his casket, memorial information, obit info, etc. Tough stuff. Decided on times, flowers, etc. He wanted a simple graveside service with Military Honors. That's what he got. He didn't really want a visitation, but we thought it best to have one so that any of his nieces and nephews that lived out of town could have a chance to say their goodbyes. So, we had the visitation on Monday night, and the service on Tuesday afternoon.
The day of the service, it poured rain that morning. Then, it slacked up as we were driving to the cemetary. Just as the preacher, Ed "Bless Your Heart" Lawing, began the service, it began to mist.
Kind of like, washing away the old to bring in the new. With the Military Honors, the Randolph County Honor Guard was there to send him a soldiers farewell. Shooting off 3 vollies of 7, playing Taps on the bugle, then presenting the flag to Mama. At the conclusion of the service, the misting stopped. Kind of wild, huh? We hung around for a little bit...talking to friends and family. We came home, and some family came by also and we had a little bit of lunch. When they left, we decided to go back out to the cemetary and take Paisley, so she could say her goodbyes. Boy, did she! She sniffed all the flowers...
...and then, left 2 paw prints in the fresh dirt as if to say, "I love you!"
Ohhh it was precious! At the head of the grave, was an American Flag.
We had her sit there, and she looked towards it, almost like she's at attention!
Anyway, with the arrangement plan for his funeral, we received a link to an everlasting online memorial. I have been working on it, getting it just right, adding pictures, etc. If you would like to check it out, pay your respects, or just have it for memories, you may vist by clicking Walter T. Willard. It is still and will probably be under constant construction and changes. It's really a neat site and wonderful way to memorialize a loved one. There is a picture movie on there as well as just a picture site.
Thanks to all that gave their love, care, support, prayers and thoughts! All are greatly appreciated!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
So, here I sit with yet another migraine headache. Or, shall I say, the same one I had yesterday...yeah it returned. I've taken half a 7.5/500 vicodin...hoping that will help. I go see Dr. Smith and Junius today at 2:30. Oh, I haven't told you about them yet, have I? How silly of me! Dr. Smith is a chiropractor, he helps me to manage my back pain through adjustments and such. And Junius...oh Junius...he's a massage therapist. I see him first, before my adjustment by Dr. Smith. Junius helps the fibro pain through deep muscle and tissue massage. Oh it's wonderful. I have cut back to one visit per week, but I think I'm gonna have to bump back up to 2 a week. That helps me alot. Keeps me from getting stiff and sore. And I'm more flexible and able to do a little more with their help. Anyone in GSO or surrounding areas I definately recommend going to see them! They are located on W. Market Street, beside Asahi Japanese restaurant. The sign still says Advanced Integrated Medicine, but they are now HealthSource (no affiliation with the gov't Health Source). If you need some chiropractic care or even massage therapy care, do go see them! And tell em I sent ya!
Ok...migraine is blurring my screen now, so I'm gonna leave it right here and post later!
Ok...migraine is blurring my screen now, so I'm gonna leave it right here and post later!
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm Lazy
Ok, so it's been March since my last post, and here it is June. Boy how time flies when you're having fun!
Speaking of fun, let me clue you in on all the fun I've been having since posting last!
Hmm, where to start?
The rest of March was spent in training. Yep, training. Remember how I was unhappy with the program that I was working on through Alpine? I did mention the opportunity in my last post, and the rest of March was training time. From 8am-4pm Monday-Friday for 4 weeks I was training in a virtual classroom. Made alot of friends during training and some of us ended up on the same shifts so we still get to "hang out."
We went "live," well semi-live the 3rd week in April. We spent about 5 days in "nesting." Nesting is a time period where we take live calls, yet we have meetings called "huddles" through out the day, to give us "breaks" from the phones. We also had "SME's" which are System Management Experts to help us out at any time. It was kind of scary hitting the phones, but once I took the first couple of calls, I started to feel more comfortable.
Well, if that wasn't enough on me...
Somewhere around the end of April...G'dad had a massive GI bleed and was in the hospital for about 5 days. We estimate that he lost about half his body volume in blood. He was given about 5 transfusions during the time he was in the hospital. So, I missed work due to that. Then, he came home on a Wednesday, and by Saturday morning, he was back at the hospital.
He had a MASSIVE, and I do mean MASSIVE, stroke. As in, he was completely limp on the left side of his body and couldn't use his left hand, arm or leg at all. He was in the hospital for about 3.5 weeks that time and now he's at Clapp's Nusring Home. He went there for rehab, but he's declined instead of improved. He's soooo not himself. He's become mean and basically, a baby. He has cursed and slapped at us multiple times, actually connecting once with Mama. Those of you that read this that KNOW him, KNOW this is NOT him. We know it's the stroke that's caused it. But it's VERY stressful on us. Especially when we get no emotional support from anyone else. It feels to me, like the rest of the family doesn't care. They say they can't stand to see him there, that it hurts them to see him like this...well DAMMIT! How the hell do they think we feel? Do they think we are some cold hearted bitches that don't hurt every time we go see him? Which is every damn day! And how often do THEY go see him? I think maybe they've been there like 4 or 5 times since he went in to Clapps on May 13th? And we've been every day? Sometimes twice a day?!? That don't make sense!
Ugh...as I sit here typing this up, I have a really bad migraine headache. And getting myself riled up and upset isn't helping it.
Anyway...I promise promise promise I will post more often. Maybe now that things "seem" to be settling down some, I can!!
Speaking of fun, let me clue you in on all the fun I've been having since posting last!
Hmm, where to start?
The rest of March was spent in training. Yep, training. Remember how I was unhappy with the program that I was working on through Alpine? I did mention the opportunity in my last post, and the rest of March was training time. From 8am-4pm Monday-Friday for 4 weeks I was training in a virtual classroom. Made alot of friends during training and some of us ended up on the same shifts so we still get to "hang out."
We went "live," well semi-live the 3rd week in April. We spent about 5 days in "nesting." Nesting is a time period where we take live calls, yet we have meetings called "huddles" through out the day, to give us "breaks" from the phones. We also had "SME's" which are System Management Experts to help us out at any time. It was kind of scary hitting the phones, but once I took the first couple of calls, I started to feel more comfortable.
Well, if that wasn't enough on me...
Somewhere around the end of April...G'dad had a massive GI bleed and was in the hospital for about 5 days. We estimate that he lost about half his body volume in blood. He was given about 5 transfusions during the time he was in the hospital. So, I missed work due to that. Then, he came home on a Wednesday, and by Saturday morning, he was back at the hospital.
He had a MASSIVE, and I do mean MASSIVE, stroke. As in, he was completely limp on the left side of his body and couldn't use his left hand, arm or leg at all. He was in the hospital for about 3.5 weeks that time and now he's at Clapp's Nusring Home. He went there for rehab, but he's declined instead of improved. He's soooo not himself. He's become mean and basically, a baby. He has cursed and slapped at us multiple times, actually connecting once with Mama. Those of you that read this that KNOW him, KNOW this is NOT him. We know it's the stroke that's caused it. But it's VERY stressful on us. Especially when we get no emotional support from anyone else. It feels to me, like the rest of the family doesn't care. They say they can't stand to see him there, that it hurts them to see him like this...well DAMMIT! How the hell do they think we feel? Do they think we are some cold hearted bitches that don't hurt every time we go see him? Which is every damn day! And how often do THEY go see him? I think maybe they've been there like 4 or 5 times since he went in to Clapps on May 13th? And we've been every day? Sometimes twice a day?!? That don't make sense!
Ugh...as I sit here typing this up, I have a really bad migraine headache. And getting myself riled up and upset isn't helping it.
Anyway...I promise promise promise I will post more often. Maybe now that things "seem" to be settling down some, I can!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Just An Update
Well, let's see...
Back in my February post, I forgot to mention that I had applied for some financial help from Social Security. In doing that, they also put me through for disability. I still don't know anything yet on either...but have had 1 doctor's appointment and another one to go for the disability. Hopefully, I will know SOMETHING soon!
Anyway, I've been working at home now for a month. Still loving it, but not quite happy with the program I'm on. About two weeks ago, I did a little research on the program that I'm working for through Alpine Access. Hmm, some interesting things were found. All this was sparked after I'd had several calls where the customers mentioned the BBB (Better Business Bureau). So, I did a little digging. Needless to say, the program I'm working for, GNS (Global Nutrition Sciences) was kicked out of the BBB and has an "F" rating. I wasn't shocked much, since customers had mentioned that they had checked out the company. Anyway, I decided that I just can't possibly continue working for a program that has that kind of rating with the BBB. That rating has nothing to do with Alpine Access, they have an "A+" rating. So, I decided that as soon as another program came along that could accomodate the hours/days I need, I would switch. That opportunity has arrived. It's doing customer service and tech support for a cell phone company (Sprint, I think) for PDA's, Blackberry's, etc. While I do not have one of those such phones, it's not required. Basic cell phone knowledge, texting and emailing are minimum requirements! Hopefully, I will be able to switch to this program in which I will get $2/hr more, benefits and better customers!
Another thing...I have SHORT hair now. It's just about 1/2 inch below my ears. Did it myself and it looks DANG good too! When I feel up to taking some pics of myself, I will post one here so you can see! Ok...that's all the wonderful news for now.
Back in my February post, I forgot to mention that I had applied for some financial help from Social Security. In doing that, they also put me through for disability. I still don't know anything yet on either...but have had 1 doctor's appointment and another one to go for the disability. Hopefully, I will know SOMETHING soon!
Anyway, I've been working at home now for a month. Still loving it, but not quite happy with the program I'm on. About two weeks ago, I did a little research on the program that I'm working for through Alpine Access. Hmm, some interesting things were found. All this was sparked after I'd had several calls where the customers mentioned the BBB (Better Business Bureau). So, I did a little digging. Needless to say, the program I'm working for, GNS (Global Nutrition Sciences) was kicked out of the BBB and has an "F" rating. I wasn't shocked much, since customers had mentioned that they had checked out the company. Anyway, I decided that I just can't possibly continue working for a program that has that kind of rating with the BBB. That rating has nothing to do with Alpine Access, they have an "A+" rating. So, I decided that as soon as another program came along that could accomodate the hours/days I need, I would switch. That opportunity has arrived. It's doing customer service and tech support for a cell phone company (Sprint, I think) for PDA's, Blackberry's, etc. While I do not have one of those such phones, it's not required. Basic cell phone knowledge, texting and emailing are minimum requirements! Hopefully, I will be able to switch to this program in which I will get $2/hr more, benefits and better customers!
Another thing...I have SHORT hair now. It's just about 1/2 inch below my ears. Did it myself and it looks DANG good too! When I feel up to taking some pics of myself, I will post one here so you can see! Ok...that's all the wonderful news for now.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Long Time, No Post
So it's been a while since I've posted. Yeah, well, deal with it!
Anyway, I got the work at home job...started on Friday Feb 13. It's awesome. I do love it. Not in my chosen field, but you know I might also get another job working in pharmacy somewhere part time. I do plan to keep my registrations and certifications current so that if I do get another job in a pharmacy, I have them.
It's been quite interesting working from home. All I do is sit on my butt, at my computer and answer phone calls for customer service for a company that sells vitamins and such. I do full training on the 17th so that I can actually take the orders and cancel shipments and such. Can't wait to do that...then I'll have less irate customers b/c all I can do now is basically take a message and forward it on to the correct department. I'll be able to access customers accounts and see what's going on. It will be interesting.
Although, the training day is a looooong day...10am to 630pm. Yeah...loooong day! But from what I understand, we do get a lunch break and we do get paid for it. We also get reimbursed for the USB headset we have to purchase in order for the "up training" as it's called.
As for my work schedule...it's awesome! Fri-Mon 12pm-5pm. Doesn't interfere with bowling and still gives me 3 days during the week to do things that might need to get done. Errands, doc appts, etc. Although today, I'm not working b/c I can't talk! Yeah imagine that, I can't talk. Gotta love bronchitis and laryngitis! Anyway, thought I would post up and keep whoever cares updated!
Peace!
Anyway, I got the work at home job...started on Friday Feb 13. It's awesome. I do love it. Not in my chosen field, but you know I might also get another job working in pharmacy somewhere part time. I do plan to keep my registrations and certifications current so that if I do get another job in a pharmacy, I have them.
It's been quite interesting working from home. All I do is sit on my butt, at my computer and answer phone calls for customer service for a company that sells vitamins and such. I do full training on the 17th so that I can actually take the orders and cancel shipments and such. Can't wait to do that...then I'll have less irate customers b/c all I can do now is basically take a message and forward it on to the correct department. I'll be able to access customers accounts and see what's going on. It will be interesting.
Although, the training day is a looooong day...10am to 630pm. Yeah...loooong day! But from what I understand, we do get a lunch break and we do get paid for it. We also get reimbursed for the USB headset we have to purchase in order for the "up training" as it's called.
As for my work schedule...it's awesome! Fri-Mon 12pm-5pm. Doesn't interfere with bowling and still gives me 3 days during the week to do things that might need to get done. Errands, doc appts, etc. Although today, I'm not working b/c I can't talk! Yeah imagine that, I can't talk. Gotta love bronchitis and laryngitis! Anyway, thought I would post up and keep whoever cares updated!
Peace!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Paisley Needs You!
Hey! Help Paisley climb the ranks! I entered here in the Humane Society's Spay Day Pet Photo Contest! She needs your votes to climb the ranks!! All your donations/votes will be given to a charity benefiting animals!
C'mon!! How can you resist that bootiful face?!?!? She's pleading for your help and donations! There is even information on the site about the donations being tax deductible! And how you can help out in other ways! Click HERE to donate and vote today!!!
C'mon!! How can you resist that bootiful face?!?!? She's pleading for your help and donations! There is even information on the site about the donations being tax deductible! And how you can help out in other ways! Click HERE to donate and vote today!!!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A Job...
Well, I had a job interview over the phone on Tuesday...with a company called Alpine Access. They handle telecommunications for different companies. The interviewer told me that there would be job postings emailed to me as they come available.
I got one that would work this morning. I replied about the posting and then in return was sent the information I would need to get started. My posted shift is Fri-Mon 12p-5p. I have training tonight from 630p-830p and should start actual work tomorrow. Yay! I am excited!
If all goes well, I will have this job for a while. I have a headset and phone with a headset jack on order. The phone should be here tomorrow, and the headset within 3 days. Hopefully! Anyway!
I'm happy I found something that will work for me for now. Maybe now I can start getting things back on track if this works out!
I got one that would work this morning. I replied about the posting and then in return was sent the information I would need to get started. My posted shift is Fri-Mon 12p-5p. I have training tonight from 630p-830p and should start actual work tomorrow. Yay! I am excited!
If all goes well, I will have this job for a while. I have a headset and phone with a headset jack on order. The phone should be here tomorrow, and the headset within 3 days. Hopefully! Anyway!
I'm happy I found something that will work for me for now. Maybe now I can start getting things back on track if this works out!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
B'day Bash And The Blues...
Well, my b'day bash was semi-successful! Not every showed up that I had hoped to show up. I guess I'm just not as loved and wanted as I thought. Oh well, those that missed it, missed alot of fun. Their loss! Here are the pics of the cake that I had. It turned out great! I was very happy with it!
So, the bday bash was semi-successful, but that still doesn't keep me from having the blues about it. You know, it seems more and more that I'm not considered important enough in peoples lives to be thought of enough to celebrate special times in my life. Yeah, I know that I've become semi-antisocial lately, but noone understands what I'm going through except those that have been through it, know someone that has been through it, or sees me on enough of a regular basis to see the daily changes. Still, regardless, if people loved me enough, or thought enough about me, they would try to understand. It makes me sad to realize that I do all I can for people...but noone seems to do anything for me. It's like, I'm the leaning post for whoever, but when I need a leaning post, I don't have one. Noone has time. Why? I just don't get it. What ever happened to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? When did the truth of that and the meaning of that go away? I mean, I think it's only fair that if someone does something for you, you should somehow return that kindness. I'm personally tired of doing things for so called "friends" and then when I need help, I get shat on. I get the excuses of "I'm not sure if I can do that, such n such has to be done" or "I'll do this/that for you" and then it never happen. I'm tired of trying to get people and these so called "friends" to be there for me. I have completely decided that I will NOT be there for someone unless I know for a fact they will be there for me. I don't care who it is. Family, friends, whatever. I'm tired of the feelings I have when I can't get help or support. I was really hoping that I would have more people there for my b'day last night than I did. It really hurt!!!! I couldn't even get replies from 90% of the people that I invited to let me know if they were going to be there or not! You want to know what I'm becoming anti-social? B/c of just what I've been ranting about. Why should I be social to people who don't give a flip about me? Oh, they say they do. They say they care and they want to go do this or do that or whatever. But you know what? They don't. Noone cares about me. This blog is about the only outlet I have to get out my feelings, simply b/c NOONE HAS THE TIME FOR ME TO LEAN ON THEM!!!!! I guess I'll just end up one of those spinster cat ladies or something! I'm tired of attracting losers...whether it's so called "friends" or men! Can anyone explain to me why I'm the one that's just along to be there for everyone's support and not allowed to call on anyone else for support? I feel like I'm in medieval times when they called up court jesters. They were there for support, to make kings and royalty laugh. But did the court jester have someone like that to lean on? Hell no! They had to deal with it alone. I feel like the court jester here. I'm only here for others to call upon when they need help. And if I need help, I have to help myself...dig myself a deeper hole into depression...one that sometimes I feel as if I'll never climb out of. Noone knows my true feelings, b/c I won't disclose them. I don't do that b/c I feel as if I'm burdening someone else, or I feel that if I try, whoever I'm trying to get it out to isn't truly interested. God, I really hate my life right now. I hide behind a facade so that noone knows just how hurt and alone I truly am. I just sometimes want to totally cut myself off from the world and everyone I've ever known. Become a hermit in my own home. And if and when I do go out, I will not try to make new "friends". For fear of being hurt more. I can't take the hurt anymore. I'm sorry, this is the only way I can get my feelings out, and I have already burdened you readers enough.
So, the bday bash was semi-successful, but that still doesn't keep me from having the blues about it. You know, it seems more and more that I'm not considered important enough in peoples lives to be thought of enough to celebrate special times in my life. Yeah, I know that I've become semi-antisocial lately, but noone understands what I'm going through except those that have been through it, know someone that has been through it, or sees me on enough of a regular basis to see the daily changes. Still, regardless, if people loved me enough, or thought enough about me, they would try to understand. It makes me sad to realize that I do all I can for people...but noone seems to do anything for me. It's like, I'm the leaning post for whoever, but when I need a leaning post, I don't have one. Noone has time. Why? I just don't get it. What ever happened to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? When did the truth of that and the meaning of that go away? I mean, I think it's only fair that if someone does something for you, you should somehow return that kindness. I'm personally tired of doing things for so called "friends" and then when I need help, I get shat on. I get the excuses of "I'm not sure if I can do that, such n such has to be done" or "I'll do this/that for you" and then it never happen. I'm tired of trying to get people and these so called "friends" to be there for me. I have completely decided that I will NOT be there for someone unless I know for a fact they will be there for me. I don't care who it is. Family, friends, whatever. I'm tired of the feelings I have when I can't get help or support. I was really hoping that I would have more people there for my b'day last night than I did. It really hurt!!!! I couldn't even get replies from 90% of the people that I invited to let me know if they were going to be there or not! You want to know what I'm becoming anti-social? B/c of just what I've been ranting about. Why should I be social to people who don't give a flip about me? Oh, they say they do. They say they care and they want to go do this or do that or whatever. But you know what? They don't. Noone cares about me. This blog is about the only outlet I have to get out my feelings, simply b/c NOONE HAS THE TIME FOR ME TO LEAN ON THEM!!!!! I guess I'll just end up one of those spinster cat ladies or something! I'm tired of attracting losers...whether it's so called "friends" or men! Can anyone explain to me why I'm the one that's just along to be there for everyone's support and not allowed to call on anyone else for support? I feel like I'm in medieval times when they called up court jesters. They were there for support, to make kings and royalty laugh. But did the court jester have someone like that to lean on? Hell no! They had to deal with it alone. I feel like the court jester here. I'm only here for others to call upon when they need help. And if I need help, I have to help myself...dig myself a deeper hole into depression...one that sometimes I feel as if I'll never climb out of. Noone knows my true feelings, b/c I won't disclose them. I don't do that b/c I feel as if I'm burdening someone else, or I feel that if I try, whoever I'm trying to get it out to isn't truly interested. God, I really hate my life right now. I hide behind a facade so that noone knows just how hurt and alone I truly am. I just sometimes want to totally cut myself off from the world and everyone I've ever known. Become a hermit in my own home. And if and when I do go out, I will not try to make new "friends". For fear of being hurt more. I can't take the hurt anymore. I'm sorry, this is the only way I can get my feelings out, and I have already burdened you readers enough.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Cell Phone
Ok, for those of you that have it, and may have been trying to reach me, my cell is now back. I do apologize for being unable for you to reach me. It's back now, and working properly. So, feel free to call text or whatever!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Bowling
Well, last night was our bowling party for our Wed. Co-Ed league. We started the evening off with a 1 game bowl off between two teams. Both teams were tied for first place with 82 wins over all. Due to our league rules and USBC (United States Bowling Congress), in the event of a tie for first place based on wins, there is a 1 game bowl off. Promptly at 6:20pm, a ten minute practice session conspired. Then, after that ten minutes, the bowl off was on! Our team, the Pin Shakers, was one of the teams in the bowl off. We had the attitude that regardless we were guaranteed 1st or 2nd place. Either way, we were in the money. Even with this attitude, I still wanted to win. It was a close game from frame 1 all the way through. At one point, it was less than 10 pins difference. We bowled well and in the end, we won it!! We took first place by 38 pins!! The team got $200 to split and we each got a league champion patch. I also got a most improved patch for improving my average by 10.44 pins over the course of the league! We have had alot of fun with this league and hope to continue it on the next one which starts in a week. We have a team together (same team as before, just 1 person different) and hope we can do as well next time! Mama and I both enjoy going bowling, as it gets us out of the house a couple nights a week and some time together!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
B'days, Trials and Unemployment
Ok, so here it is...my b'day is coming up (Tuesday, 20th). Last year's big 30th bash was a bust. Only 2 people showed up for it, one only b/c I picked them up!! LOL Anyway, the 24th, next Saturday, we're gonna try this thing again! At Szarka's, on Pinecroft. Those who read this and are local are welcome to join us! Music, cake, fun and dancing to be had by all! Maybe this birthday will be more memorable!
As for other news...
I have joined a fibromyalgia clinical trial study to test out a medication that was previously billed for depression, anxiety and the like. It's called Cymbalta. It also helps with pain, and some early "trials" have indicated that it can help people with FM pain. I start the med next Friday. It's a 6 month trial, and during that time I'll have all my meds, dr visits, lab tests, etc paid for by the trial. I will also be compensated for time and travel. I'm looking forward to this trial and hoping this med will help b/c I feel I have reached a plateau with what I'm currently taking.
I'm also unemployed, with no chance for retribution b/c of the way that it was handled by my former employer. When it all boils down, I was let go for medical reasons, however due to the way my employer went about it, they covered their asses so that I couldn't come back and sue the pants off of em. If I could, believe me, I would own them! So I am drawing unemployment currently, as well as looking for a job. Which, isn't an easy task due to the limited physical stamina of FM.
Ok, that's off my chest. I hope this year is better for all of you than it's starting out for me!
As for other news...
I have joined a fibromyalgia clinical trial study to test out a medication that was previously billed for depression, anxiety and the like. It's called Cymbalta. It also helps with pain, and some early "trials" have indicated that it can help people with FM pain. I start the med next Friday. It's a 6 month trial, and during that time I'll have all my meds, dr visits, lab tests, etc paid for by the trial. I will also be compensated for time and travel. I'm looking forward to this trial and hoping this med will help b/c I feel I have reached a plateau with what I'm currently taking.
I'm also unemployed, with no chance for retribution b/c of the way that it was handled by my former employer. When it all boils down, I was let go for medical reasons, however due to the way my employer went about it, they covered their asses so that I couldn't come back and sue the pants off of em. If I could, believe me, I would own them! So I am drawing unemployment currently, as well as looking for a job. Which, isn't an easy task due to the limited physical stamina of FM.
Ok, that's off my chest. I hope this year is better for all of you than it's starting out for me!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Clinical Trials...
Hmm, I did some research on a clinical trial for fm (fibromyalgia) that I heard about on the news, and found one closer to me. I called and got the info and go in on Monday the 19th (day before my b'day) for the screening visit to determine if I'm a good candidate for the trial. I spoke with the actual doc (Dr Murray) who's conducting the trial and he said that I sound like an ideal candidate. If I'm accepted into the trial, I'll receive all visits (10 of them over a 24 week trial period), lab tests, medications, etc for free plus get $25 per visit for time traveled. I'm crossing my fingers that I will be accepted into the trial, as it will help me alot. The trial test the drug "Cymbalta" in treating FM pain. It's a double blind study which means that the investigator and the patient doesn't know whether they are getting the placebo or the actual drug, or what strength they are receiving. Although, according to what Dr Murray told me, most patients know whether they have the placebo or the drug itself and whether they have the lower or higher strength. I'll have to go off of my neurontin for the study, however if it's seen to be needed later in the study, I'll either be using that or Lyrica in combination with the Cymbalta. He also stated that if the study doesn't seem to work for me, and I need the neurontin before the time comes in the study to re-introduce it back, then I can always be removed from the study. I think I can manage to be without it. It still helps, however I have had to increase the dosage, so I know that I'm at a point that I need more or something different, or something in combo with it. Hopefully all will work for this study and I can get some help and idea if I need something else in combo, or switch completely to something new. Keep your fingers crossed that I'll get into this study and can get some help!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Still No Work For Me...
Well, I have filed for unemployment for the time being. Since I didn't get the job at Custom Care Pharmacy, and I am still awaiting my interview with the work-at-home company sometime this month. Until then, I have to do SOMETHING! I'm not ashamed to file unemployment. You do what you gotta do! But maybe, things will look up and I can get situated in a job or something! Hit the lottery maybe? Hmm, we'll just have to wait and see!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
First Place Winner!
Well, it looks like things might be looking up just a little bit. Not sure how much though, but I think it may start getting better. I was just informed that a quiz that I made and submitted for a contest won FIRST PLACE FOR QUALITY. That's a $150 prize from Amazon.com. I was shocked! It also placed 4th for popularity! Yay me! I am stoked over that tidbit! It was my Name That Tune - 80's Edition on HelloQuizzy that won! Wow! I honestly didn't think it would place anywhere, let alone take 1st for quality! Or even place as high as it did for popularity! Wow! I can't stop being so happy for that! I'm not sure yet if it's $150 cash or if it's a gift card type thing to Amazon.com.
And Mama won a small $5 jackpot on Club Pogo last week also! And g-dad hit a $50 winner on a scratch off. So, maybe things are going to start going our way for a change? Gosh, I hope so! We could really use the help right now!
Man, I am so stoked! WooooooHoooooo!
And Mama won a small $5 jackpot on Club Pogo last week also! And g-dad hit a $50 winner on a scratch off. So, maybe things are going to start going our way for a change? Gosh, I hope so! We could really use the help right now!
Man, I am so stoked! WooooooHoooooo!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Blah Blah Blah
Not much is happening right now. I'm a little bit stressed out over finances, but then again, who isn't with this economy right? I've got to find something so I can pay my bills that are coming due. Anyone got a couple hundred bucks they can spare? Nope, didn't think so...I had to try! LOL
Anyway, hopefully things will start to look up for me this year. I thought 2006 was my year, it started out right, I had the right attitude...but it turned out to be a horrible year. Things began to look up for me in '07 and '08...then WHAM! Knocked right back on my tail bone! Owch! I'm telling ya, I don't think I could sink any further...at least, I hope not. Something's gotta give somewhere, somehow! I don't like being in this position. I'm depressed, stressed, strained, etc. I feel like I've lost my faith in things.
I've reached a plateau in my health, not getting any better, but not getting any worse either. Can't afford to get my meds so I'm having to stretch what I do have, which, doesn't help the pain. Anyone got any ideas? Or know of a job that isn't physically demanding? That's a big problem for me in trying to find another job...a job that isn't physically demanding due to my health. I no longer have the stamina that I used to have to be up and on my feet for long periods of time. I also can't sit for long periods of time either.
It sucks to be me! No money, no job, no life...*sigh* I'm just not happy.
Anyway, hopefully things will start to look up for me this year. I thought 2006 was my year, it started out right, I had the right attitude...but it turned out to be a horrible year. Things began to look up for me in '07 and '08...then WHAM! Knocked right back on my tail bone! Owch! I'm telling ya, I don't think I could sink any further...at least, I hope not. Something's gotta give somewhere, somehow! I don't like being in this position. I'm depressed, stressed, strained, etc. I feel like I've lost my faith in things.
I've reached a plateau in my health, not getting any better, but not getting any worse either. Can't afford to get my meds so I'm having to stretch what I do have, which, doesn't help the pain. Anyone got any ideas? Or know of a job that isn't physically demanding? That's a big problem for me in trying to find another job...a job that isn't physically demanding due to my health. I no longer have the stamina that I used to have to be up and on my feet for long periods of time. I also can't sit for long periods of time either.
It sucks to be me! No money, no job, no life...*sigh* I'm just not happy.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Just A New Years Wish...
I just wanted to wish my readers a
HAPPY NEW YEAR
full of health, wealth, love and friendships! May your year be prosperous! I wish only the best!
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